My Friends Are Not Your Punchline
Some time late last year, one of my Facebook “friends” (actually a friend of a friend) shared this picture on their timeline:
Along with this image, they said something like “I think whatever side of the debate you’re on, we can all agree this is funny”.
Actually, no — when “one side” is people who just want to be treated like human beings, and the “other side” is people who want to oppress the first group of people (and in some cases, literally want them dead), I’m pretty sure that things like this fall squarely into the category of “only funny if it’s not about you, or anybody you know”.
But did I actually say anything about it, at the time? No, I didn’t. Partly because I’ve got a nearly pathological aversion to conflict, partly because I didn’t want to call this person out in public, and partly because I was already angry about another trans-phobic “joke” I saw earlier in the day, in another context. I didn’t trust myself to not over-react, and so I said nothing.
And then, this past week, I was watching old episodes of The IT Crowd, and happened to watch the episode “The Speech”. In that episode Douglas (the sexually-voracious CEO of Reynholm Industries) starts dating April, a reporter who’s come to the company to interview him. At one point, April tells Douglas that she “used to be a man”, and Douglas says “I don’t care”.
And for just a moment there, I thought it was going to be okay — after all, Douglas has already been in trouble for sexually harrassing both female and male members of his staff, so maybe he really doesn’t care. But then I realized this is an mid-2000’s British workplace sit-com, so of course it isn’t going to work out that way.
As it turns out, Douglas mis-heard April, and thought she was “from Iran”. When he finds out that she’s trans, he freaks out, and breaks up with her. They get into a brutal fist-fight, and at one point, Douglas says to April: “You bastard”. So — it’s just the usual, “trans women are disgusting, nobody would ever willingly be in a relationship with a woman who was born a man, trans people are dishonest about who they really are” crap. Very disappointing, if only because I dared to hope for better.
I have a number of trans friends, mostly from the time I lived and worked in the San Francisco Bay Area. One of the things I do miss about the Bay Area was the feeling of general tolerance for differences. Which is not to say that all is sweetness and light. Sure, they’ve got simmering racism, misogyny, and homophobia under the surface, but at least I didn’t hear words like “tranny” used in everyday conversation, as has happened a few times in recent months here in Santa Barbara.
Look, I’m a straight white dude. I’m not going to say that I understand what life is like for my trans friends. I do know that several of them have lost their families or their friends over their transition, some of them have been threatened with physical violence, or actually been assaulted.
Nobody has ever told me that I was wrong about the fundamental truth of my identity, nobody’s tried to tell me which bathroom to use, or that I can’t go where I want to go, date who I want to date, or be who I want to be. Nobody has ever threatened me with physical violence because of who I am, or because of who they thought I was.
March 31st is the International Transgender Day of Visibility. I just want to say to my trans friends:
I see you, you’re beautiful just the way you are, and I’m sorry I haven’t always had your back in the past. I can only promise to do better in the future. You’ve had to find strength in yourself that I never had to. You are tough, and inspiring, and you kick ass. Keep on being your own beautiful selves.
-Mark
