Fear and Feminism

Are you a man? Have you ever heard or read a conversation about feminism, women’s rights, women in tech, etc. and felt uncomfortable? Had an opinion and wanted to contribute to the conversation but hesitated, afraid of how you might be perceived? Did you not say anything at all because of that fear? Did it leave you feeling pretty crappy about the whole experience?

Good. You’ve now experienced the tiniest taste of the doubt, social pressure, and second-guessing our culture puts upon women every day of their lives.

Women who want to exist in a professional context have to constantly worry about appearing too bossy, too opinionated, too “mean.” Women are sometimes judged just for appearing to try too hard. I’ve seen it happen first-hand to the people I care most about in the world.

Remember that uncomfortable feeling from the first paragraph? Now apply it to every professional conversation you’ve ever had, from asking for a raise to just planning out the week’s work with your team. It’s the world we’ve made for women, and it sucks.

I’m terrified every time I speak about feminism. I’m worried I’ll say something unintentionally insensitive or worse, hurt the cause by misunderstanding how to be helpful. This fear makes me extraordinarily cautious about choosing my words, and makes me carefully consider my statements from others’ perspective. In other words, it’s healthy. Women don’t need me to come to their conversational rescue. I can almost always do more good by listening to and amplifying the voice of women than I can by trying to make an argument of my own.

The fear women experience is not healthy. Unlike women, I can choose to stop being afraid. I can decide I don’t care and the repercussions will be minor. Women have to care, have to consider every word and action or the repercussions can be devastating. Women have to don the mask of “just one of the guys” or risk being excluded altogether. Until women don’t have to be afraid, I’m going to choose to stay afraid.

It’s the least I can do.

I don’t want to write a post about women without taking the opportunity to amplify a woman’s voice. I came across Caroline Drucker’s talk/notes on “I’m a Feminist and so can you” and it has links to tons of resources that I’ll be reading in the next few days. Really good stuff, go check it out!