I think that you interpreted the “ice queen” experience through a very specific lens without considering that person’s feelings. If I understood you correctly, your experience was something like this:
- Guy pesters you for validation of his sexual prowess during sex. You offer up false reasons for why you did not enjoy the encounter very much because you perceive some kind of pressure to acquiesce and spare his ego. Your reasons don’t work. You go to leave, and he becomes offended that you won’t stay and and insults you with sexist comments implying that there is something wrong with you. Thus you have been victimized.
That is the way a feminist is likely to see it. Unfortunately, when we are too immersed in an ideology, it colours every aspect of our perception of the world around us and our encounters with others and it creates a feed-back loop, justifying itself by providing a filter through which we receive all our experiences.
I try hard to avoid the wholesale adoption of ideologies for this reason. As such, this is how I see your experience as you recounted it in narrative form at the beginning of your article:
2. Guy is trying to please you, worrying that his performance is isn’t providing you with gratification. His worries are confirmed. You insult his intelligence with half-baked excuses rather than telling him the straight-up truth: the two of you have no sexual chemistry. You proceed to objectify and dehumanize him by leaving when you no longer feel you are being fairly compensated by what for you is a physical transaction. He becomes hurt and (rightly) intimates that you are emotionally cold.
The problem with feminism is not that it is a project aimed at equality for women. That is a wonderful and noble project. The problem with feminism, or at least the sort that you clearly adhere to, is that it allows you to convince yourself that you are the victim even when you are the perpetrator. You objectified that man. You treated him as an object that no longer had any value to you when he failed to provide you with sexual gratification. Your lack of desire to cuddle is evidence of the fact that for you, the sex was merely a transaction and not an act of “togetherness” or “shared humanity” for you. You are allowed not to want to cuddle. You are allowed to want space. But you cannot dehumanize and objectify your sexual partners, refuse to participate in any intimacy and instead opt to take pleasure from them and then leave, and THEN go around constructing yourself as the victim of sexism.