You Matter. And Why It Matters That You Matter.
By McCall Jones — Founder & CEO, Institute for Adult Communication
The Institute for Adult Communication looks at ways to improve individual and organizational communication to produce more effectiveness and more satisfaction. This matters at home and in the office.
If you are hungry AND there is food around…do you NOT eat?
If you are sleepy and you are not driving or working heavy machinery …do you NOT take a nap?
I know these are basic needs. But would you ever consider seriously not taking care of those needs? Probably not. And it seems kinda silly to think about it like this. But this is EXACTLY the way many people think about their more complex needs like their careers and salaries and especially their most complex needs; like relationships and intimacy.
Many people walk around…miserable… not getting their more complex needs met AND try to justify to themselves why that is ok. Let’s look at it this way… If you are hungry you eat. If you are tired you sleep. But if you need a relationship, you….avoid getting one? Or do you not do the homework required to get one? Or sabotage it once you have it?
See what I mean?
So, why is this?
Consider that it’s because you don’t think that you matter enough to have those more complex needs met. For many people, these complex needs are often experienced as being abstract; too distant to feel real; like hunger or being sleepy would feel. You have a desire and that desire has a consequence. Whether you get that need or desire met or not, there is a consequence. You feel tense or feel unsafe, and let’s say, as a consequence of feeling this way, you need a hug. The consequence, or outcome of getting that hug is you feel less tense or less unsafe. Assuming it was a GOOD hug of course.
The consequence of NOT getting that hug, is that you will continue to feel tense. Which only creates MORE tension and so on and so on. Now imagine how you would feel after not getting that hug for 10 or 20 or 30 years. The truth is, I WISH I was exaggerating. But I am not. Many of the people I speak with, especially women, are WILLING to put up with not having there real needs met for this long and longer. Its one of the saddest things I have ever encountered and one of the CORE reasons I chose to develop and provide training in this arena. And the core of that training is expanding the idea of WHY it is crucial that if you need something that you start ASKING for what you need. It could get you more time with a loved one, more time to rest, or most commonly, more pay in your paycheck!
Asking starts with the understanding that you MATTER enough to get those needs met. It starts with understanding that if you are responsible for your getting your needs met, you will also understand that you need to always be operating at your best to do the best for those you love. You can’t drive a car without oil and expect it to run very long. You can’t expect to enjoy the journey of life if you do not literally stop to smell the flowers from time to time. And if you do not matter to yourself, how can you really expect others to take you seriously?
In truth of course, your loved ones already take you and your needs very seriously. Most likely they are super frustrated that you do not see your own worth. You think I am kidding? Just ask them….. I think you will be quite surprised by their answers.
You want to go up on someone’s respect meter? Ask them for something you really need and PING!!!! Maybe your INSTINCT says avoid asking… but your needs are saying otherwise on this one. Why not just give it a shot?
We are not merely offering a training program, we want to start a national conversation.
To find out more, visit us at www.icannegotiatenow.com.