A Proposal to Solve the Floorboards Barry Problem
It has been just over a decade since Floorboards Barry’s reign of terror began, and despite increasing conversation and awareness around the issue on social media, he has run rampant unchallenged ever since. Even today few seem to be taking real steps to clamp down on the floorman board boy. Indeed, Barry is poised to disrupt public order in much the same way Netflix andHulu disrupted the television industry.
And yet Barry remains notably absent from policy discussion, even during this election period.
Who is Floorboards Barry?
If you don’t know who (or what) Floorboards Barry is, where have you been? Let me break it down for you:
- He’s a giggler
- He’s a shoe dodger
- He’s a bulger
- He’s a maniac
Most importantly, he’s a criminal, known for sneaking up unsuspecting victims in their own homes. Through long emotional tirades against his victims, he undermines them psychologically and renders them helpless and defenceless. Barry seems to take pleasure from the tears of his victims, perhaps even taking power from their moist droplets.
How can he be stopped?
I recommend implementing the following one policy:
- No more floorboards — By replacing wooden floors with stone or plastic based alternatives, we can greatly restrict Floorboards Barry’s movements, and as a result halt his cruel campaign.
Through a fast, wide-spread, wide, and wide-fast campaign of floorboard upheaval, we could render the floorboard bandit completely harmless. The costs of such a project may seem extortionate, but steps must be taken. To ignore escalating growing reports of his intrusions and the harrowing tales his victims tell would be to condemn yet more victims to his sensual verbal assaults.
Such efforts must be all-encompassing, with all 124.6 million US homes seeing a complete refit. Experts predict such a large infrastructure project could cost tax payers as much as $44.5 billion, though this is surely a reasonable price to pay for safety.
Linoleum has long existed as an affordable, yet stylish, alternative to wooden flooring. More attractive alternatives also exist in laminate flooring, or even stone and marble.
I can only hope that authorities realise they have stood by for far too long and take action soon. In the meantime, please take any measures you can to protect yourself and stay vigilant.
Barry’s whereabouts are currently unknown, but he was last spotted in South Glamorgan. Stay vigilant.
