How to find an ideal partner (for language learning)
You’re not looking for perfection in a language partner any more than you’re looking for perfection in a romantic partner or friend, but there are a few similarities to the process of finding someone who will be a good fit for your language journey. Here are five.
I’ve been studying several languages seriously for over a decade. I’m so taken by the process of language learning that I’m getting a PhD in Second Language Acquisition, the science of how people learn languages.
I’ve also been pretty successful in my language learning journey, and the US government seems to give me high marks on tests they’ve thrown my way in multiple languages.
I’ve studied Spanish, a Mesopotamian Arabic language, Mandarin, a Levantine Arabic language, and I’m just getting into a North African Arabic language.
Without question, there has been one thing that has made a bigger impact on my ability to speak these languages than anything else. It wasn’t my flashcards, it wasn’t my grammar book, and it certainly wasn’t so-called study hacks like passively listening to advanced literature during your first weeks of study.
The biggest asset to language learning that I’ve discovered was finding a good speaking partner. Having a partner that I could go to with all my random questions was a game changer. Sometimes it was about things like words or grammar and sometimes it was about something I saw on social media or that strange thing I saw those people do in that Egyptian drama I just watched. All of this made the process so much more enjoyable and motivating.
Rather than trying to slog through some of these questions on my own, I had a direct line to a great advisor, and even cheerleader, on my language learning journey. Having a speaking partner gave me someone who noticed and commented on my progress, who gave me just as much feedback as I asked for, and who could help me practice the language in ways that I knew would be understandable and useful “on the street”.
I never had to wonder, is this weird sentence in my textbook written by an old American really something people say in Beijing? Instead, I had someone who could tell me exactly what people my age would usually say in a given situation, and maybe more importantly, what not to say to avoid getting myself into a pickle.
If you’ve wondered how you find a partner like this for language learning, someone who can encourage you and push you to be better, I have a few thoughts. And some of them may sound familiar to the steps people take to make friends all the time, which, at the end of day, is often why we learn languages in the first place.
5 tips to find an ideal speaking partner to help you on your language journey.
1. Look online!
People your grandparents’ age could have mixed feelings about you finding a spouse or life partner online, but the web is an incredible place to find a long-term language partner. It’s also a tremendous asset we’re fortunate to have.
Go back just 30 years in your mind. If you were living in rural New York and you wanted to find someone to help you learn Bosnian. You would have to hope that there was a Bosnian speaker living close enough to you who was also willing to share their language, and that just by chance, they would also have a compatible personality, schedule, and interest, and then, on top of all of that, that they would even be willing to do a regular language exchange.
For us today though, it’s not hard to find 100s of people who are willing to do language exchanges over video calls, especially if you speak more widely spoken languages like Spanish, Mandarin, English, or Portuguese.
Or if you don’t have as much time to exchange languages and you want to just focus on your target language, there are speakers of many languages who are willing to help you for a very reasonable price.
Some of the places I usually go to find speaking partners are:
Post a job, filter by location/language, view applicants, interview to find the best candidate, and you’re on your way!
2. Verbling.com
They have hundreds of tutors who charge a reasonable price (for most languages), and many of them have years of tutoring experience and lots of teaching materials. The site also has great flashcard and note-taking functionalities built into its video conferencing tools.
3. iTalki
Very similar to Verbling.com, but maybe a bit more expensive. You can watch video intros to most tutors you see to gauge their personality and teaching style. You usually get a very discounted trial lesson.
4. Fiverr
This platform is closer to UpWork than Verbling or iTalki. Post a job, set criteria like language/dialect/country, screen applicants (and interview if you’d like), hire them, and you’re on your way!
Okay, so let’s say you’ve decided to hire someone rather than just do a free language exchange, and you’ve found some good candidates. How can you possibly afford to pay this person? Don’t worry. It’s not bad.
Let’s crunch some numbers for a second. If language learning is important to you, and you’re willing to devote some time to it, remember that your time is valuable (some even say it’s money). So if you’re willing to spend just a bit of money on a speaking partner, you can get tremendous value from a speaking partner who’s looking for some extra income.
So what does it cost?
On the very high end
you’re looking at $50–60/hr for top teachers in high-demand languages, but don’t worry about passing by those teachers. There are massively diminishing returns at those price ranges. Often, those teachers are just attractive and charismatic people who are marketing their looks and personalities way more than their teaching abilities.
But, on the low end
you can find speaking partners who are willing to help you for as little as $3–6/hr. These may not be the big-name influences of language learning platforms, but they are often wonderful resources. In my experience, they are hard-working, cooperative, down-to-earth people who can give you an excellent view of how normal, everyday people like you or me might want to use the language.
Just thinking aloud here. Say you hired a person at this lower price range and went crazy, speaking with them for one hour on every work day of the month. Even at 20 hrs/month, hiring a partner like this would only cost between 60–120/month and 720-~1400 a year. This is less than the average American’s coffee bill! It’s also waaay cheaper than even one 3-credit college language, for waaay more real-life value. (And, by the end of the year, you’d probably have solid conversational fluency.)
So if an hour a day and <$1000 a year sounds like it’s worth a shot, give some of the sites above a try! (And there are no affiliate links here, for the record. Just good, proven recommendations from a fellow language learner.)
2. Finding someone who’s a good fit can take some trial and error
I went out with a lot of people before I started dating my now wife. I learned a lot along the way about what I felt worked and didn’t work in a relationship. As you search for a language partner, you may want to look around a bit to feel out how the teacher-student chemistry will be between you and your potential language partner.
Don’t know what you’re even looking for at first? No problem! Just try something out and see how it goes. Worst case scenario, it’s no worse than an awkward dinner date — you’re out a few dollars and a bit of time. But with language lessons, it’s even easier because if something goes weird, you don’t have to pretend your friend is calling with some fictitious emergency. You can end a language lesson any time by clicking “End Meeting”. (And honestly, if something actually goes weird, many language learning platforms will gladly refund your money.)
3. Follow your nose, but don’t let first impressions be everything
In relationships, there’s a lot of intuition involved. There are likely lots of things you can specifically identify about a person that makes you trust and connect with them, but there’s probably a lot that you ‘just know’ makes sense about them, without fully being able to explain it. People trust their intuitions more than they probably realize, and you should as well when finding a language partner.
But don’t let first impressions have the final word. You’ll often be stunned, inspired, and amazed to hear about your language partner’s background story and what adventures, hardships, and successes they’ve had in their lives.
One of my Egyptian-speaking partners had an incredible story of hustling while he was in college, running a large language teaching business on the side and gaining so many students that he had bought himself a house before he even graduated! This would seem impressive in almost any country, but if you’ve lived in Egypt and know the economic conditions there, you’ll know what a truly unbelievable accomplishment this is. To this day, I can’t think about that story without smiling.
Getting to know these kinds of stories, even from seemingly mundane or quirky people can become some of your strongest ties to the language and culture, and so it’s worth it to give some people a chance, even if the first meeting or two aren’t picture perfect.
4. Don’t expect perfection, just ask for progress
It’s been said that a person should start a relationship with their eyes wide open, but keep their eyes partially closed after that. Of course, nobody should put up with poor treatment in a relationship or language exchange; what I mean is that we’ll always see quirks and imperfections in the people we’re with, and language partners are no exceptions. So we look for the good and keep our eyes just slightly closed to the quirky.
Just like any partner or friend you work with, remember that communication is key. If there’s something that’s bothering you a little, it’s probably okay to let it slide. But if it crosses that “little bit” threshold, then speak up! Don’t like the way your speaking partner is correcting you? Let them know. Don’t like the way they interrupt you? Consider being more assertive and asking for more equal speaking time.
Just like any good partner, your speaking coach/partner will likely want to help you succeed. They’ll almost certainly be responsive. But if they’re not, remember, this isn’t the only Bosnian speaker in your county in upstate New York! Plus, you’re not married to this person, you’re just meeting each other regularly, so if things are not working out, let it go, and find a new language partner!
5. Give back
Finally, and maybe most importantly, is to give back. Just like in any relationship, you need to give back. If you’ve chosen to hire someone, you’re already giving something in exchange for their help, but a successful friendship with your language partner will take a bit more than just cash. Thank your speaking partner for their help, be gracious if they need to move an appointment, and encourage them in their lives as much as they’re encouraging you in your language learning. Doing this can help you find what most people are truly looking for when they start learning a new language — a deeper connection to other humans.
We Were Created for Connection
A very loose rendering of one of my favorite Arabic expressions (an expression I learned from a speaking partner, by the way) goes like this:
Yes, grammar books, flashcards, and passive listening are stepping stones for making a connection with real humans, but they aren’t quite the real thing, and we shouldn’t treat them as if they were. If you can find a solid language partner, someone who can encourage you and help you keep your momentum, not only will you be learning the language, but you’ll be making a real, lasting connection with another human. And that’s usually what language students are after in the first place, right?
