The Other Side of Darkness

The child that cannot wish, has given up on magic. Lost and alone, she wraps herself in darkness and wears it like a cloak to cover her emptiness, but you can see the sorrow seeping from her eyes. To hope seemed pointless, so she stopped hoping.

I don’t know how she lived like that, in all that darkness. There was no room for her despair and so she buried it. And when she finally found the courage to make peace with her past pain, it swallowed her alive. Without hope, she couldn’t see the end of it. Without wishing, she thought it might last forever. Without magic, life was a neverending burden and so, exhausted and despairing, the girl gave up on life.

I don’t really blame her. I don’t see suicide as a sin, a crime, an unpardonable mistake of judgment. I don’t see it as a cry for help, a desire for attention. I see it like this: sometimes a weary wanderer climbs as far up the mountain as she’s capable of climbing, and can’t take another step. The snow is a soft blanket. She closes her eyes to rest, and freezes to death. There was warmth to be had, but she couldn’t feel it. There was Light, but she couldn’t see it. The harder she tried, the more her feet gave way until she couldn’t keep on trying.

It’s sad, of course it’s sad. To this day it breaks my heart but it makes sense to me. I didn’t so much want to die, I just didn’t want to live anymore. Not the way that I’d been living. And since I couldn’t see out of it, I was running out of options.

Life after death (consciousness after unconsciousness) is sobering. First there’s the anger (it should have worked), and then a crazy lot of shame (ironic, as it was part of the problem to begin with), a good deal of overwhelm, continued exhaustion, a touch of self-pity, until something, somehow, miraculously shifts. Until someone really truly understands you, and you no longer feel so alone (not that you ever were, but feelings were facts, in your befuddlement).

I was sad for my new swan friend, all alone in that big pond. I wished for him an angel, and she appeared! Watching them together, made magic tangible. The joy, on the other side of darkness, is so much sweeter. Richer, deeper, dazzling. The view from farther up is breathtaking. Brilliant and majestic. We are all climbers, doing the best we can. There are countless hands to help along the way. All we need do, is ask.

William and his Forever Love, LBM

LBM 12/10/2011

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