A little less conversation, a little more action please.

24th June, 9:30 PM, and I’m frantically trying to reach my psychiatrist because it’s an emergency. Her phone is switched off. So I call her office in the morning. She’s out of station and won’t be available till July.

The emergency is that I am hearing voices, it’s like a constant radio in my head, but louder and negative. Like every paranoid thought I have is coming to life as someone else whispers it in my ear. I have never heard voices before, this is all very strange to me. I need to see a psychiatrist immediately before things get worse.

I have called several hospitals and chambers asking to give me at least five minutes, it’s an emergency. Even agreed to an emergency fee which is more than I can afford right now. But I haven’t got an appointment. Apparently, I have to book an appointment at least three months prior to getting in a situation like this.

My question is, what about the numerous people dying everyday of mental illness? What about the suicidal? Or someone suffering like me? Is there no one who’s capable enough to spare a little time of their day for unforeseen crisis?

The mental health facilities in India need to change. I have spoken to people whose concern was how are they going to afford therapy? This is the reason thousands of people are reluctant to see a doctor. Either they don’t get an appointment or the prices to see a mental health specialist is too high.

I know enough to know how much the doctors make in a day. And I have no problem with that, because thankfully, for the medicine, I’m still alive. But I also know that it is not impossible for them to start an emergency service for circumstances like this.

I will probably have to go to a hospital emergency and hope they give me something to calm down till I get a doctor to see me. I can only do this because my husband and brother are around me, and they’ll stop me from doing any self harm. But what if I was alone in another city, like so many people I know are. What if there was no one to sit with me when the voices ask me to slit my wrists?

What is the point of being a doctor if you’re inaccessible when the patient needs you the most?

If each doctor, sits for one day in the week, at a place accessible to the public any time of the day, at a reasonable rate, a lot more people can get help, and maybe the doctors will finally save lives.

It’s 10:18 AM, 25th June, and I’m still hoping for a miracle. I’m so exhausted from staying up all night. The voices in my head won’t stop whispering painful, negative thoughts to me. And I’m getting ready to go to the hospital emergency, tense and agitated. My nerves are on an edge.

It’s Sunday, 26th June, 12:11 PM. I didn’t go to the emergency room yesterday, it wouldn’t have helped. There’s no doctor present for my problem. We somehow managed to get an appointment with a specialist on Monday. Which means I have to ride it out for one more day till I see a doctor.

It hasn’t been easy. More so because you can’t really make anyone understand what it is you’re going through. I have been listening to the same song on loop so that I don’t get too anxious. I cannot read, watch, sleep. Sleep deprived almost two days now, I don’t know if it’s possible to lose my mind more.

All I can hope for now is a little less intolerance, and a little bit of miracle.