What it is like to live with Anxiety Disorder.
“There are six major types of anxiety disorders, each with their own distinct symptom profile: generalized anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic disorder (anxiety attacks), phobia, post-traumatic stress disorder, and social anxiety disorder.”
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/anxiety-attacks-and-anxiety-disorders.htm
I suffer from GAD, PTSD, and OCD.
The thing to understand about anxiety disorder is, it can make your life so miserable that all you would want is for your heart to stop entirely.
People with GAD is always fearful. Your brain with GAD is invariably nervous, fidgety, restless, panic-stricken, distressed, and scared. It is a constant process of worrying about things that may never happen, even things that didn’t happen.
“What if I fell down the stairs? I didn’t, but what if I did?” “What if I forgot my keys? Let me check my bag thousand times.” “What if something bad happens because I didn’t press the switch six times?” “What if they are talking about me?”
What if? What if? What if? What if?
Can you actually think of living like that? Nervous continuously about the most trivial things? Things that are not happening, or might never even happen. Things that aren’t true.
With your heart racing, your nerves on edge, you feel like somebody is strangling you with all their might. You are shaking, your palms are sweaty, there’s a weight on your chest, and you can’t figure out how to get rid of it. Millions of things rustling through your brain in one nanosecond, and you can’t catch up. You’re doing everything at once, in your brain, if not physically. Fidgeting with the ring on your finger, biting your fingernails, moving random stuff, biting your lips, etc.- completely oblivious to any of these things you are actually doing.
You hear everything, like everything is amplified tenfold inside your brain. Or you hear absolutely nothing except your frantic heartbeat.
When you have panic disorder, you’re always jumpy. You get startled every time the phone rings, or the doorbell. Even though someone is talking to you, your only concern is the fact that you might get a panic attack. You can’t listen to a word because the voices in your head won’t stop. That if you open your mouth, the words will tangle, you will only stutter. And your heart is beating so fast that it feels like death.
OCD comes with extremely tortuous compulsions, like tapping your fingers to exact equal numbers, or looking back at something you just passed over and over. Even though you know it is irrational, you absolutely have to do it.
Phobias come with absurd fear of things that are not remotely harmful. And you try to avoid the thing you fear in every way possible. Sometimes it goes to such lengths that it alienates you from the world.
When you have social anxiety, you feel like the whole world is criticizing you, looking at you, talking about you. Being in the middle of a crowd is mortifying. It’s impossible to hold a conversation when all you can think of is the person in front of you judging you. You’re ashamed of yourself, but you don’t know why. So you shut yourself down completely.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD happens when a person goes through a traumatic event. A life changing, unforeseen condition. When a person is suffering from PTSD, their stress can be triggered unexpectedly. To avoid these situations they withdraw themselves from everything and everyone, mostly escaping the places or situations or even people that remind them of that certain event.
Having an anxiety disorder is like living a nightmare. Starring in your personal horror movie, where the protagonist is trying to escape endlessly. Sadly, movies end, but this doesn’t. It is constant and agonizing.
In the end, nothing that was making you anxious comes true. Because none of it was real. And even though you know it’s all illogical, you can’t stop. Anxiety disorder eats into your brain and stays in there like a demon that cannot be exorcised.
If you are suffering from an anxiety disorder, please get help. There is nothing to be ashamed of.
If you know someone who is dying secretly of anxiety disorder, lend them a helping hand so they can ease up, and get help.
Go to therapy, see a doctor, write your own story of fight and recovery. Inspire others with your story. You’re not alone, you don’t have to be.
Peace, love, and hope.
