rolling with it

i roll with it

because of course, there are the sobs
but no one will notice the tears over the brave message
the tears are only seen by the rain drops 
bright against the falling leaves

i roll with it

the realisation came out in a whisper
unexpected these words slipped past my thoughts
coerced
non-consensual
i let those words define me for a moment
then sent them out into the ether
glad to let the words roll out with 
#metoo

and I was proud of myself
proud to be an ally
proud to own up to my own imperfections
proud to have uncovered a little more truth about myself

but once the words had left, they were gone to live their own life
because
#metoo i had been hurt
#metoo i wanted to cry out

then more words went past me before i could stop them
#metoo I was raped
#metoo I was only 12
#metoo i lost my dignity

but also
#metoo i craved the likes and the hearts and the tears
#metoo i was somehow ashamed that i had spoken

my mind replays the images
waiting in the shallow grave of my pain
lies !! i lied !!
what i said was queer pride 
was rape
what i said was play 
was sexual assault

rough affection was derision 
broken childhood friendships 
misunderstood, alone
just a bad decision ?

i roll with it 
cause i’m tougher than most
I’m high on the pain
i can take any dose

i roll with it
i won’t you let me touch me
get outta my head 
i’ll shake you outta my reality

i’ll roll with it
i will roll with it
i will roll with it

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