Y’all Need to Stop Giving Pepsi Such a Gotdamn Hard Time [sic]

give me motherf’n liberty or give me Pepsi

I’m really pissed that folks are out here are giving Pepsi such a bad name. Sometimes people can be so damn ungrateful. Also, this is the reason women ain’t got no man. In addition, I blame feminism for this! If it wasn’t for Pepsi how would we get osteoporosis, people? How would our bones become porous and brittle and give us, us as in white people, not me, backs of hunch? Also, everyone knows that Harriet Tubman could not have made it to the North as many times as she did if she didn’t have a Pepsi in her satchel. Like, WTF. And yes, in case you were wondering, Pepsi has been around forever. Don’t even get me started on the immaculate conception and how that really went down with a can of the blue. Did you know Pepsi was here when dinosaurs roamed the Earth? Who do you think summoned the 6 mile long asteroid that collided with our planet altering the climate bringing about the extinction of roughly three-fourths of the dinosaur species and making room for human beings to form? Who do you even think did that? Do I even have to say it?

It was Pepsi okay. It was Pepsi.

In case you haven’t heard, Pepsi released an ad this week with Kendall Jenner playing the lead of an astute model person who sees a protest and is inspired to act before hitting the club later. Jenner’s character who is also her is so impassioned by the sight of protesters who will be teargassed soon that she dives into action in a selfless attempt to save them from a lack of beverage control. In so doing, she cancels her previous plans of photoshootage, removes her Rihanna wig, throws it to a black woman because #maid, rubs off her Rihanna lipstick and joins the protest*, realizing that there is just one thing more important than ignoring civil unrest while being photographed for money — ignoring civil unrest while showing potential sexual interest in an Asian guy, grabbing a Pepsi for a police officer and starting a gotdang party.

Now let’s break down why this is totally fine, acceptable, and not oppressive at all shall we? First of all, that police person was probably really thirsty. And everyone knows when you’re really thirsty all you need is a little pipe cleaner in a can. Next, Kendall Jenner was doing a good thing by accepting a role in this ad. She is following in the footsteps of her momma Caitlyn who has done such an incredible job of being in magazines and standing for the rights of trans people while also gracefully standing for their destruction as a staunch supporter of Republican policy. Third, the only reason the Black Lives Matter movement hasn’t ended is because oppressed people of color haven’t given enough carbonation to people in authority. All they need to do is wake up white, get a can of a carcinogenic chemical beverage, go outside to a protest, walk up to a police officer in riot gear, give them the can of soda before they get maced right quick, and that’s it. It’s literally that simple.

So now Pepsi has pulled the ad issuing a public apology which in part said that they were trying to project a global message of unity, peace, and understanding. How did you people not get that? I mean they had a Muslim woman in the commercial for god’s sake and she was actually being hugged by people! Not to mention there was a negro man with cornrows who even received a dap from Kendall herself! Ugh. This just goes to show you just how sensitive, politically correct, and desperate for the dismantling of systems of oppression America has gotten. I, for one, don’t know how we got here but one thing I do know is that Pepsi has nothing to do with it, and should not be blamed at all.

*that Rihanna was not present at, btw.

I’m telling it all with 30 essays written for 30 days in the month of April. This is my challenge to myself. This is my way of affronting the fears we all have deep down, minus mediocre white people, of being visible, being loud, and being undeniably real and magic at the same time #shoutstoJesse. Some days I will write one essay. Other days I’ll write two or maybe even three (hotdamn!). By April 30, you’ll have 30 new things to read. Get them while they’re hot though because I will be unpublishing the series in May to prepare them for ‘print’. Welcome to #30worksin30days. (Work 2/30)

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