You Deserve More : You Better Be Recognized

Some women avoid saying “you’re welcome” like it’s the the plague. Instead they may shrug and go with a “no problem”, or “no big deal”, or a “it was nothing”. When we, as women, swat away gratitude as if it is undeserved, it can begin to have an affect on an already altered view of ourselves and the work we do in the world.

Social psychologists have found that confident postures can affect how we feel and act towards others. If our body language can change how we feel, how much more so can what we say affect our view of our value in the workplace? Here’s an example. Let’s say I spend four extra hours doing a favor for my boss. I put my heart, sweat, and tears into getting a project done for him last minute. I mean I missed the mid season finale of Scandal for god’s sake. Now when I finish, my boss thanks me for my work, and I shoo away the gratitude telling him that it was no big deal.

Now, why did I say that when it was a big deal? I mean Scandal people. Scan-dal. When we don’t acknowledge the gratitude verbally, we say that our time really isn’t all that important. But it IS really important.

One day we wake up and realize that the people we gave to aren’t giving back to us. When we see our coworkers or clients or managers beginning to treat our extra effort like it’s “small time” or ordinary, we should stop and think about that. In reality, going above and beyond isn’t something we can always do. And when we consistently distance ourselves from gratitude, people quickly become ungrateful, because we ourselves define our effort as not really mattering that much.

Deep down, we don’t accept compliments for what we’ve done, because we don’t believe we’re worth valuing. As women, we receive a ton of undercover messages that tell us we shouldn’t be too much. We shouldn’t be too bossy. We can be good, but we shouldn’t think we’re better than anyone else. We should always share the limelight and thank everyone for our success even if we’ve done all the work ourselves with little support. We don’t believe that what we bring to the table is really all that special. And that’s a problem. It’s a problem because women kick ass everyday. We educate, we do what needs to be done, we build our communities, we fight for education, we stand up against inequality, we bring down the law, we endure years and years of being taught that our value is defined by our age, weight, race, and height. We deal with so much, and on top of that we fight to be taken seriously by men AND women in the workplace. So it’s about time we accepted the gratitude and then some. It’s about time we communicated that our work and sacrifices are just as worthy of recognition as anyone else’s.

Just as women are conditioned to be givers, men and women are conditioned to expect women to be giving and kind, often without recognition. It’s up to us to change the perspective, and we can start by accepting the recognition we receive on a day to day basis.

Value what you bring to the table. There is no woman in the world that is the same. Our experiences, cultures, personalities, education, ambitions are all a unique amalgamation of awesomeness. We cannot be duplicated. We stand as individuals. It’s important that through our deeds and actions we show ourselves that we’re worth the recognition we receive. There is no one like you in the world who could have killed that presentation like you did. There is no woman in the world who could have pitched that idea like you did. There is no woman in the world who could have come through for that client with less time and even less resources like you did. And one day when you’re gone, there will not be another woman like you. So today, I’m gon’ need you to accept this thank you. I’m gon’ need you to dance to some Beyonce when you get home in celebration of the hard work that you do every day. I’m gon’ need you not to undermine the effort it takes to overcome the challenges of being a woman, paving the way for future generations of women who want to do great things in the world.

Be a giver and a taker. Define your professional relationships at the door. Talk about what you will give, and what you expect to receive — whether that be discussions about money, about time or about support. Don’t hesitate to be clear about your expectations. Remember you’re asking for things that teams give to one another every day.

Accept that big thank you. Responses like “no problem”, or “not a big deal”, or “it was nothing” are super chill, but they don’t recognize the work that you’ve put in or the time you’ve invested to make something great, because your effort IS a huge deal and it is NOT nothing. If someone asks you for a favor, don’t hesitate to let them know what it took you to get the job done. Be cautious of using words like “just” or“only”. They play down the effort it takes to make your work happen at the end of a day. Be honest about what you’ve given. It matters.

“You’re welcome. I know you’d do the same for me.” This phrase is one of my favorites. It’s a simple way to let someone know that as a valued member of the team you have no doubt that you will receive help and support when you need it too. There’s nothing wrong with re-emphasizing what you need from your professional relationships, especially when you can pin two papers with one paper clip (see what I did there? Save the birds!) and accept a thank you for being so incredible at the same time.

Halt the shrug. If you have the habit of rejecting the gratitude, stop yourself mid Kanye shrug. Accept it with as much feeling as you can muster. You don’t always have to say “you’re welcome” if it’s not your jam. Things like “I was really happy to help you.”, “I put a lot of work into it, so I really appreciate the thanks.” , or “I do what I can when I can. I’m so happy to hear you liked it!” work just as well.

Accepting gratitude says: “I recognize you appreciating me and valuing all of the extra time I put into doing this for you. I see you seeing me, and I dig that.” So dig it, and enjoy the fruits of your labor, because you deserve it.

You Deserve More is a series of writing that tackles women’s perspective of themselves and challenges them to communicate and appreciate the singularity of their existence in the professional world.