The Mind of an Octopus
When I started writing this, I was unaware of just how much I had to say. I began with a desire to express my views in a way that was both cathartic to me and constructive to anyone reading. For everyone’s benefit, I have broken this first composition into parts. Strap in; this is going to be long winded.
I am finding myself inert. Stupefied by hopelessness; intimidated by the enormity of our problems; dumbfounded by our priorities in times of crisis; immobilized by our inability to communicate with one another. I am struggling even to finish this writing. While I type, more issues are coming to light.
The more I educate myself, the more restricted I feel. I am learning about how all of my actions relate to the world around me; researching viewpoints different from my own; informing myself about as much that is going on in the world as possible. The issues that nature, humanity, the United States, and we as individuals face right now feel overwhelming to say the least. There are seemingly endless problems that we are facing, and I am personally shackled by my depression.
My very first public post, oh boy! Let’s cheer people up with a peppy talk about depression! Yippee!
The idea is to give you, as the reader, the opportunity to understand my motivations and where they come from. Depression has played a major role in shaping me into the man I am. We all have our biases, which distort our perceptions of the world we live in. I am hoping that by giving you a personal understanding of myself, you will be able to read my words through the appropriate lens.
“Hey! You are just using your depression as an emotional hook to get the reader on your side!” Shhhh. Shhhh. No shh. It’s just chloroform, shhh. Hm? What? Oh, that’s right.
There is more to this than being a way to humanize myself in such a critical composition. Mental illness is a growing issue within our society, and my struggle with depression is a mirror to many of our current problems.
Throughout this text and others, a distinction needs to be made between Clinical Depression and a simple depression. The relevant definition of depression is a state of low spirits. The key here is that colloquial depression has to do with short-term moments of hopelessness. To contrast, Major Depressive Disorder creates a way of living where you have lessened motivation and joy all the time; strengthening negative feelings of isolation and helplessness. With Clinical Depression, there is a perpetual inner battle taking place. This is not a situational emotion, but a chronic illness.
Anhedonia is another important term to know in order to really understand Major Depressive Disorder. Anhedonia is the absence of pleasure. At least in my experience, this is the key to depression.
Imagine a world where you don’t enjoy anything. You wake up in the morning, starting your day frustrated to leave the comfortable escape of sleep. None of your food looks good; you skip breakfast. Shame replaces motivation, moving you through a few daily motions. From afar, it appears that you are working through life as a normal person, but in reality you are doing what you can to minimize your suffering.
Sleep betrays you for a nightmare. You are paralyzed within yourself. Your mind is writhing in discomfort, worried about a certain problem. You know exactly what you need to fix the issue, but you just can’t fucking get yourself to do it. You scream silently, urging your body to work as you know it can. You collapse into despair behind an emotionless face.
People are walking by, unaware of the pain inside the stoic, sessile soul before them. You know you need to ask for help. A voice enters, No! Never ask for help! The voice is disguised as your own, and in your perturbed state, you don’t think to question it. They will see a lunatic frozen in themselves! They will run in fear. You are contagious.
You fully retract inside yourself, losing all sensation. You have to get away from everyone, anyone. It is you who decides to take yourself into this deep dark corner of your mind. You need to get somewhere safe. Here you are alone with the voice, soothed by the isolation. No one can hurt you here.
You are starting to notice that the voice isn’t yours, but you still trust. I have always kept you safe. I can fix your problems. Eager to rid yourself of a still unnamed burden, you agree to fully submit yourself to the voice. All you have to do is give up. Once you accept your doom, there is nothing to fear. Your body shivers. Nothing to fear. You jump off the edge into peaceful agony.
* * *
Medications and therapy help, but I will always have to fight my depression. I know that every day I have to push a boulder up a hill. Every fucking day. Some days I can’t find the energy to fight my endless battle. Some days will be easier, some will be harder.
The love of my family and friends is why I battle on. There are plenty of times when I feel that overall, life is not worth it. I have learned to counter these thoughts with the realization that this is the life I have; I need to do what I can to find some happiness here.
This can be a dangerous mindset, as happiness has now become my primary focus in life. There are many unsafe roads one could go down searching for happiness. Despite my awareness of these dangers, I have certainly fallen into some of the potholes on my road to happiness. There is always a difficult balance to be found.
To clarify: I am not going to kill or hurt myself, but depression inherently provokes these thoughts. I feel in the next few months, I am either going to have utilized this pain to find what I need in life, or collapse into despair and get hospitalized. I am aware that I am a fantastic person with ridiculous potential, but I am uncertain of where I can do the most good.
I am an octopus. I am a vibrant, unique, intelligent specimen hiding under a rock where nothing can appreciate my neon blue rings. I am surprisingly strong and independent, but that does not make me devoid of passion. A fear of harming others keeps my poison barb stayed; only striking to protect something bigger than myself.
* * *
Why is any of this relevant?
We have become a culture that is driven by pleasure. We as a society have adopted my depressed mindset of putting personal, short-term happiness as our top priority. We demand constant entertainment in the most comfortable environment, every sense being pleased to the best of our ability. We want to smell, see, feel, hear and taste perfection constantly. Theoretically, chasing pleasure is not a bad thing until we lose sight of what is really important.
We as a nation and as humans need help. Our adoration of independence has skewed our views. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Mental health is something that should be given more exposure and resources. Suicide is the most visceral example of what can happen due to lack of understanding and support. The less visible issues are no less painful. Individuals, friends and families are suffering daily around the world. We need to realize that many of the acts of terror we have seen committed by United States citizens stem from issues in mental health.
Understanding each other is going to be a vital ingredient in the recipe to save us from ourselves. I am hoping to give you a deeper view into myself and others who suffer similarly. We must all seek to educate ourselves and remain open to different ways of life. We must note that we are all doing our best in the lives we are presented with; if we make an effort to understand each other it is much easier to find common ground to work upon.
My life right now is arriving at a critical juncture. I have life changing choices to make in my individual life. This is the same for our nation. We must face our crossroads to the best of our ability; reaching for our potential greatness or collapsing into selfish defensiveness.
Few understand the depth and realities of the predicament, and we prefer our ignorance to learning ugly truths. The hopeless in our group assume the suicidal position for humanity and nature, thinking we are doomed and there is nothing we can do about it. We will continue battling through whatever obstacles we encounter despite the overwhelming nature of our trials. Finding what we are passionate about is imperative. Luckily, there are some folks out there whose passion is saving the world.
We Do Not Have Time for This
Everyone! Huddle up! Whoop whoop! Pep talk time, team! Hands in. C’mon people; hands in. Play nice for 3 seconds, please. No, nobody is going to get sick. Shit, people, nothing bad can happen; we are hypothetically inside an essay. Fuck it, y’all ruined the huddle.
My hope here is to actually communicate with people. I have done my best to filter out attacks through this piece; do not mistake this for a lack of emotion on my part. I may be sacrificing an audience who want me to assault those I disagree with, but that is not an environment for a real conversation.
During the presidential campaign I debated sharing my thoughts, seeing the horrifying creature that had manifested itself into a position of power. I held myself back, doubting my ability to leave an impression. Many spoke out early and often; I figured they had all of the information covered. What I failed to realize is that the longer I wait to speak out, the more I am enabling injustice. Even if no one noticed me, I would have been standing up for what is right, which I failed to do.
As an independent, I see both parties as failures at this time. They are unable to work together, driven by party lines, constantly acting to pander. Our politicians are working to keep their jobs rather than doing what they were elected to do. Partisan chasms have created an environment without logic or focus.
I like to be independent, in theory, because I try to have an open mind and not be forced to align either way. Being an independent through this last election cycle was a giant mistake on my part. That was entirely brainless of me; I was unable to vote in either primary. I wanted to vote for Bernie Sanders; like many others I assumed he didn’t have a real chance.
As a heterosexual, cisgender, white male, I am doing my best to be an ally; as I am learning what it means to be a good ally. I work to challenge my privileges and biases. Reflecting on this can be painful. It is important to motivate myself through this; there is healing on the other side of introspection. It will be a lifelong struggle to challenge my thoughts and actions; it’s not as daunting if I keep in front of it.
As a society, we are failing to clearly examine the issues. We cannot begin the conversation, stuck in the embarrassing debate of what a fact is. This filibuster of avoiding truths is detrimental to the well-being of individuals, the country itself, humanity, and the world as a whole.
Words cannot express how horrible it is that we need to re-learn what facts are. The general public has apparently mislaid its ability to think critically. We live in an age where information is available at our fingertips. Granted, there are some who do not have the ability or time to access all of this. The rest of us have a responsibility to acquire and analytically process information.
There is no excuse for those who are currently accepting ‘alternative facts’. We need to be fixing all of the monstrous issues we face, not going back to concepts we first learned in elementary school. We do not have time for this.
Originally, I planned to discuss and explain what facts are here. Hopefully I do not need to bring this back into my writing. We do not have time for that.
* * *
Two thoughts frequently collide in my mind: ‘I need to do what I can to save the world.’ vs. ‘If works like Ishmael have been around for decades, without any positive movement from humanity, how can anything I do have a significant impact?’ It is critical for my conscious self to interject into that conversation. ‘That doesn’t mean I can’t do my very best.’
Saving the world and saving humanity are in most ways independent and impossible. This does not mean we cannot do our best. We see ourselves as something special and great, within our nations and as humans. Can we do something to measure up to the greatness we regard ourselves with?
Grandeur of saving the world is not something we cannot consider at the moment. We do not have that luxury. If we don’t all work together and do our collective best, we are accelerating doom on its trajectory toward our face.
The doomsday clock moved closer to midnight, just for our new president. It is a metaphor used by experts and scientists illustrating how close our human world is to catastrophe. This will hopefully leave the impression that we are not going in the right direction. We are closer to our demise than we would like to admit. We do not have time for this.
We need to all see our part in this. Everyone is to blame here. Democrats ignored the struggling working class, and then vilified anyone who had any sympathy to Trump. Republicans had the clown-car primaries that allowed Donald Trump to be their candidate. Media gave our President free air time to pander. We the people took our democracy for granted.
I am vehemently against the current President and the majority of his agenda, but it is critical for me to remove the President from his supporters. Protesters have demonized anyone who voted for Trump or support him still. I understand the sentiment; however, by disparaging the entire group without listening, the divide we are seeing will only grow. Backing these people into a corner and berating them emphasizes the ‘us vs. them’ mentality; it pushes away people who agree; it creates a wound where we need sutures. We do not have time for this.
A more arduous challenge I bring to the current supporters of the 45th POTUS; be our champions and heroes. It is easy for democrats and independents to see the immoral, corrupt, and dangerous nature of this president; there is no allegiance to be disputing for these folks. The people still supporting the current president have to fight through their cultural bonds to accept the reality of our current situation. I am begging you to find the strength to confront your beliefs.
If you dispute your thoughts, looking for facts and evidence to ensure your logical grounding, you may find that none of your beliefs have changed. Congratulations. This does not apply to our current POTUS.
“Give him a chance!” I did, which was another gargantuan failure on my part. I should have been fighting this harder before and after the election. I gave Trump a real chance, and it was worse than I had feared. None of this is in the slightest way normal or acceptable. We do not have time to give him any more chances.
I accept the loss of the previous election. The Democratic Party is a mess; they made countless mistakes in just this election. Hillary was not my favorite candidate, though I did vote for her in the face of what I saw as hatred in human form. These things are on the table; I am not whining about the outcome, I am genuinely freaking the fuck out that our current POTUS is taking cues from Orwellian fiction and super villains.
The beginning of this presidency directly mirrors dystopian fiction, another blatant forgery of its short tenure. The least it could have done would be to not be so cliché in its plagiarism of horrifying fiction.
Repeatedly lying to the citizens of its country; bullying officials into perpetuating lies to its citizens; gagging government agencies to not release information; restricting media; threats of militarization against own citizens… We do not have time for this.
Yes, these are only the first chapters of dystopian novels, but how much further in this plot do we need to venture? These are issues that are unswervingly reflected by authors creating the worst imaginable government.
People fought back, and many of these terrible ideas have been overturned or recalled, but these are the things the POTUS is trying to do. Don’t worry, there is plenty more to disapprove of with our current president!
The issues are there. We do not have time for me to look up all of the terrible things about Donald Trump and his staff. You do not have time to read all of the terrible things about the POTUS and his staff. This was a cute experiment of an inexperienced president. It failed. The administration can’t effectively spell-check, let alone run a government. I am not being hysterical here; this is not acceptable.
There is a silver lining for the current presidency: it has activated people. After voting for Obama, democrats and people like me thought our part was done. Obama will change that shit. Boom. Done. What I have learned from this mistake will hopefully be demonstrated with our current resistance; we cannot ever stop fighting.
After a significant election, bill, law, etc, it can be easy to tune out for some time. We must learn from our mistakes that people are waiting for that lull in action and energy. When people aren’t paying close attention and doing their best, someone will take advantage.
The current administration is a sickness to our country. We are seeing the fever reaction from our body. This is a natural and necessary process for our body to go through to expel toxic and harmful pathogens. It would be nice if the administration were a stuffy nose we could forcefully blow into a handkerchief. Unfortunately, we are faced with an immobilizing disease, keeping us in a coma, only to be freed if our fever can eliminate the germs before they kill the host itself.
What can we do?
Introspect — Find what it is you can do in your life. I do not have the money to donate to any of the causes I would like to support, so I write to share and hopefully educate. Challenge your own views and biases. We all have them; they aren’t inherently bad. When presented with the truth we have to accept our mistakes in order to move forward. Finding your flaws and noting where you are incorrect can help you to bolster areas of weakness or challenge misinformation. Do your best.
Talk amicably to people with differing viewpoints — Most of the time we are on the same page. There is a lot of drama that builds between our parties. Really we are all people just trying to do our best, finding a way to live. At least in my experience, I have found conversations with people I disagree with to be cathartic, inspiring, and overall very pleasant. People really aren’t so mean.
Embargo sensationalists — Alex Jones and Tomi Lahren are the most obvious perpetrators of sensationalism. I am sure there are similar radicals on the left; I just haven’t noticed them personally. These people are setting the world on fire for money. They do not care if what they are saying is true; their pride in their ability to bullshit overpowers their decency.
I wouldn’t call Kellyanne Conway a sensationalist, but she suffers from the same lack of respect for the truth. She may be more dangerous than the media trolls because she is a voice for the current administration. Coming from that position, her words mean something, regardless of how factual or coherent they are. Deep down, I have a fear that Conway will replace Sean Spicer when he inevitably gets canned.
Stop watching these people. If no one watches when they are on, media will stop inviting them.
Don’t share videos from people like this, regardless of if they are on your side. These videos do nothing to educate or heal. If you agree with these posts, they tend to deepen one’s partisan biases. If you disagree, you are either forced onto defense or simply turn it off. These are not the conversations we need right now.
Call your representatives — It is important for us to continue bombarding our representatives with our views on different policies as they come up. I sometimes struggle to find motivation behind this, seeing voicemails as something that cannot make a difference. It does make a difference! We must remain vocal and active!
Shut the fuck up about 2020 — The POTUS already copyrighted campaign slogans for its potential second term. People are getting excited about an Elizabeth Warren ’20 run. Shut the fuck up everybody. We just had an election and have too many issues to possibly deal with. We cannot waste this time thinking hypothetically about another election.
Keep your eyes open — Much of the start of this administration has been testing the limits. This president and its staff are checking to see what they can get away with. If we stay vigilant, they will be frustrated to find that there isn’t much we will let fly.
Be the greatness — We can be great. Maybe it’s just me, but I see greatness as standing up for those who cannot. I see greatness as accepting refugees in the face of potential danger to ourselves. I see greatness as supporting the people you are elected to, regardless of their background. I see greatness in Canada and Denmark, for cleaning up after a country that has fallen from greatness due to our current administration. I see greatness as doing the fucking right thing, not hiding behind lies and politics.
Show the world we are better than this — Damn near everything this administration has done has created divisions between us and the rest of the world. Enemies and allies alike are being pushed away in the name of our independent ‘greatness’. We need to denigrate and remove the monster that has burrowed into office to show the world that this is not who we are. This administration is fueling terrorism by perpetuating all of the things terrorists hate us for. The administration is pushing away allies over petty squabbles. We cannot let our mythical potential as a country fall from reality because our president has issues about his tiny penis.
Take care — We need to take the time to ensure we are maintaining our well-being. We need to take time to make sure others are okay and don’t need help. Regardless of your beliefs or politics, we need to be looking out for one another right now. Love, laugh, try to enjoy something; the world isn’t ending today. Life and freedom are becoming more precious; let’s make sure we are taking advantage while we have it!
Do your very best.
