Dear Vagina,

It’s been a tricky time for you, hasn't it?

Whilst most things that grow old, get hard and tight, (I’m thinking of bread, plasters and lemons. See, that’s lots of things!) but you seem to get looser and wibblier, with age.

At this current moment, your outward appearance is akin to the tongues of twin Labrador aged dogs after a long run that have been given a custard tart to eat as a treat.

There was a time, whilst pressed up against a row of derelict garages in Tile Hill, you could grip even the most smallest and delicate of teenage fingers with ease.

These days during a smear test the nurse could of slid a Ford Cortina inside of me without even a squeak of discomfort.

So, let’s agree to give you a little career break. You can take some time to do things you’ve always wanted too. Maybe a cruise, learn photography or do some voluntary work with orphans?

I don’t see so much of you now anyway. There’s been no periods since the coil took up residency and I may have put on a LITTLE weight since those days up against the garage and so it’s a little bit of a strain to see you over my ‘Rioja belly’.

I hope you accept my present for your long service. I’m not sure what you’ll do with a carriage clock, but the man at Argos said it was the norm when there’s a retirement. It was a little awkward when I had to describe what I wanted as a personalised engraving, but I’m not embarrassed to declare my love for you at the Elizabeth Duke counter.

So goodbye Funny Fanny, stay moist, stay wart free and hang tight.


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