The thing about it is I can honestly say that I tried…I tried accepting that it was over…I even tried accepting the fact that she would be with someone else, but at some point in my day I knew that thoughts of her, us, would always come back into play in my head. But I can honestly say that I tried. I tried finding things to do and keeping myself busy. I tried going out on dates as if I was really ready, but I wasn’t.
Then out of the blue one day my iPhone rings…It’s her…I answer…she tells me that she wants to meet, and of course I go with it. We meet and we talk about all that we’ve been up to and how much we miss each other. She’ll tell me how she wishes that we could just make it work and I reciprocate (only thing is I really meant it). We leave each other only to talk on the phone for countless useless hours.
By the end of the week we’ve met again and had a fling here and there. She tell me that she loves me and again I reciprocate (only thing is I really meant it). We do this for another week and then things start to get bad, we start to argue about things that we shouldn’t even argue about all because I really meant it when I said that I wish we could make it work, but she didn’t.
And that’s when it hits me like a 18 wheeler on a ice covered freeway slipping beyond control that she never meant those things that she said and that she never truly cared about me. I crack, I break, I disappear because the thing about it is I can honestly say that I tried. I tried to lie to myself and make myself believe that one day she will come back to me and be ready for this thing that I call love. I tried to make myself believe that she wasn’t just using me for a good time and a reciprocated broken heart. I tried to make myself believe that she knew what love was like just because I did and I know how hard it is to find those things. But the thing about it is…she doesn’t. Only I know those things, only I care, only I love, only I hurt. But the thing about it is…in going through this I didn’t know my own worth.
But now I kind of have a vision as to what it’s supposed to be like…who I’m supposed to be. So when I see that iPhone light up and I see that name…I won’t answer. Because the thing about it is…she never loved me. I was just comfortable and convenient for her, but the thing now is I’m comfortable and convenient for myself