5 things to look forward to in NY in the fall
It’s hard being autumn; normally associated with the dreaded phenomenon of ‘back to school’, (college doesn’t count because it’s awesome, you don’t do any work, and just act like a large child 99% of the time), the season gets short shrift. In reality, the end of summer — always sweltering, uncomfortable, and chock full of annoying tourists who seem incapable of walking at more than crawling speed — brings an end to a whole bunch of terribleness in the city and a slew of activities to get excited about. So, grab your pumpkin spice Kampuchea and your sexy Spongebob costume and read on:
• Pumpkin everything: There are many people who believe that the pumpkin-themed business has become an out-of-control-monster, with every imaginable product under the sun now in existence. As good intentioned as they may be, those people are wrong, are essentially the equivalent of anti-vaxxers and climate change deniers, and probably work for the anti-pumpkin spice lobby, which we’re pretty sure is a thing. Don’t let the haters get you down; savor every day in which you can wake up to pumpkin-scented body wash and face scrub, douse yourself in pumpkin scented deodorant, drink your pumpkin spice latte while consuming, simultaneously a pumpkin donut and pumpkin muffin, and return home to light some pumpkin spice scented candles as a tribute to the Goddess of Pumpkin Spice Lattia, blessed be her name. Except for yogurt. Pumpkin Spice yogurt is an affront to humanity, and anyone who likes it is a monster.
• Relief from the subway heat: Pondering to take the subway during the summer months is often a lose-lose situation: continue walking and you’ll likely arrive late and sweaty to your destination, or descend to the nether regions of the MTA, complete with suited lawyers writing in agony from the heat (get it?). The arrival of autumn means never having to walk down those stairs in fear, making deals with God to get you through another five minutes of sauna-like torture and angrily wondering how, in an age where people can grow human organs in labs, we still don’t have air-conditioned subway stations (or even fans, for crying out loud).
• Less creepy crawlies in your apartment: The end of exhausting heat waves also means there’s less of a likelihood you’ll wake up in the middle of the night to find your kitchen transformed into bug city, population: disgusting. Non-New Yorkers might assume that a pest problem is self-inflicted (and let’s be honest, you probably haven’t cleaned since your parents visited like six months ago, and even then, all you did was move a Swiffer across the floor a couple of times), but we all know that even antiseptic levels of cleanliness won’t keep those uninvited guests from popping up in your shower, scuttling out from under your bed and turning you into a shrieking banshee who sounds like they’re being murdered, which is totally a legitimate and proportional response, given the circumstances. Come fall, we assume they all just migrate over to Canada, kind of like geese.
• Romantic trips to upstate New York: While summer is meant to emphasize activities often associated with childhood — going to the beach (where we assume you’ve covered your shameful body), sleeping in, and generally lazing around — autumn lets you channel your inner sprightly retiree. Suddenly, traveling upstate to obnoxiously quaint towns to look at foliage and engage in random activities otherwise seen as eccentric are not only acceptable, they’re outright fashionable. Go ahead and pretend like you know anything about antiquing, admiring a 19th century armoire that costs more than the GDP of a small Pacific Island. Eat a Salad Nicoise at that charming French bistro (yes, that’s a real salad and it’s amazing, you uncultured rube). While you’re there, make sure to get angry at the rest of those awful city folks who have descended on and ruined such ‘off-the-grid destinations’ as Hudson and Beacon, scowling at them as they wait for the Amtrak clutching their designer overnight bags (yours is nicer, for sure).
• Halloween in late August: It’s only the beginning of September, but it’s never too early to start figuring out which innocuous pop culture figure to sexualize in costume form. Dressing up for Halloween in here isn’t just a hobby, it is a way of life; people’s costume-making skills and their sheer commitment to the craft make Comic-Con look like some elementary school talent show (take that, nerds!). In New York, if you haven’t spent every Saturday night and every imaginable dollar since last year building your five-person re-enactment of a Van Gough painting (complete with hand-crafted gilded frame), you’re doing it wrong. We take our costumes as seriously as we take our coffee, pizza, and when we’re feeling generous, where we send our kids to school. And don’t even consider ordering some nonsense off Amazon or Spirit of Halloween unless you want to deal with being (completely justifiably) socially ostracized.
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The Mdrn. Team