Signed, Sealed, and Delivered
What I carry in my pocket is Uncertainty.
I don’t want to have anything else in my pocket. Do I even have a pocket? Do I need to carry something in my pocket, or is it just another human-developed ideology to make sense of an otherwise chaotic world?
I don’t know.
While the Uncertainty provides a false sense of superiority above those who actually have something in their pocket, it anchors my soul to the soles of my shoes. Heavy. Uncertainty disguises itself as a relief; If I’m not sure then I’m not committed. Yet sometimes, I find myself to be more anxious about my Uncertainty, than my commitments. Periodically anxious about Uncertainty, often regretful of commitments.
Commitments are just social structures that were built on the insecurity of mankind. Commitment confines you to a certain area of specialty, whether it’s in a relationship, a friendship, or a career. Commitment was built on fear. Fear of waking up in the morning and not knowing what the future holds. Fear of the future. Fear of the Future.
The F-word. By committing to something, you’re tying yourself down. You’re securing your direct environment from what you think is unexpected: Chaos. The Future holds chaos. But we tell ourselves that by committing to something larger than us, we are exempt from what is inevitable. We tell ourselves that by committing to something more powerful than us, we’re jumping out of a falling airplane with 3 parachutes strapped to our back. The reality of it all is that by committing ourselves to something larger than us, we’re strapping on our seatbelts and going down with it.
Nothing is guaranteed. Nothing is guaranteed in life. Nothing is guaranteed in your marriage, in your job, or in your relationship with your mother. Nothing is guaranteed. That promising company you‘re supposed to start working for next Tuesday? They declared bankruptcy 4 hours ago. You quit your mediocre office job for nothing. The man you were married to for 7 years? He met someone a little more interesting than you at his corporate lunch last week, and they’ve been in constant contact ever since. Unless you are the God in question, nothing is certain.
Instead of carrying around my letter of acceptance to my dream university, or that promise ring he gave me exactly a year ago today, I carry around my uncertainty. Not to be confused with insecurity, uncertainty requires confidence. Uncertainty requires certainty. Uncertainty requires the understanding that nothing is guaranteed, the acceptance that nothing should be expected, and the comfort that it doesn’t just happen to me.
Uncertainty, unlike commitment, is invariable and impartial. Uncertainty is universal. Uncertainty is certain.