*UNDER CONSTRUCTION* Change.
Discovering your true self has more than one setback to overcome. Some go through denial, depression, and some people even give up going through the process because it looks too difficult. Not everyone will accept you, some of them will even pretend you no longer exist…and some of them will try to accept who you are but they’ll pick at everything you do. Some people will try to change you, whether it’s into a new person altogether, or back into the person you were before. Refusing to do so is half the battle…the rest is all about sticking to your guns, even when they hate you for it. Even if you just want to declare your big changes to the entire social media world because you just want people to know the new you. There’s nothing wrong with wanting affirmation! Own it. At the end of the day, you’re the only one who needs to be happy with the changes you make. This may be my first time sharing my story, but I’m certainly still under construction…the story is nowhere near finished!
Let’s start out by saying this…I am a woman. I am a woman who isn’t easily understood. I am an anxious-fluid-introverted-extroverted-semi people pleasing woman of God and I can’t be any more or less than exactly that. I’ve learned more about myself in the past year than I ever thought I would, thanks to the overwhelming support from a number of friends and portions of my family. I would go back and do it all the exact same if given the opportunity. From moving out on my own again to meeting the one person who loves me for every single piece I’m made of, it was all worth the wait. Now that I am experiencing my new found life in full swing, there will be an undeniable amount of people who disagree with anything I do. I don’t feel as if I always have to explain myself but I decided, eh…why not.
I am an introverted extrovert.
While I am open to suggestions when it comes to plans, such as going to the club, getting drinks, or even going to dinner…I’d probably rather be home. It’s not because I don’t like people, and it’s not because I’m depressed. It’s more than likely a mixture of needing my me time or I’m not in the mood to be around a crowd. Can we just agree that there is nothing wrong with being that way, whatsoever? Others who are this way are labeled as a loner or a fake…just because one day they like hanging out, and the next they’d rather shut off their phone and read all day. I don’t see the problem in caring for yourself, by choosing when to be social and when to be distant. I grew up being a social butterfly, always needing others around me to feel complete. As the years have gone by, I have found myself needing less people and more time alone. Because I’ve been one way my whole life, then it just changed out of the blue, not everyone is okay with this side of me. That’s okay, don’t invite me places because I’d rather be home in bed anyway! But really, I like small doses of attention too…so, don’t just stop inviting me.
I am a Christian, and I’m in a relationship with a woman.
Blasphemy! Blasphemy I say…to say I love God and I’m in love with another woman? I must be insane to think the world would accept that, right? A little back story before I clearly go off on this topic…I come from a very conservative family, and I mean conservative. I’ve kept my sexuality a secret my entire life, because I was afraid of being disowned. I was afraid I’d never be allowed in my childhood church again or accepted by my oldest friends. For these reasons I remained unhappy for years, until I moved away from home and started a life of my own. Without judgement, without ridicule, I began to explore this new world! The LGBTQ+ world is so much more than I could have ever imagined. The people are so welcoming and loving, no matter where you come from. They’ve taught me more about love than I’ve ever known. What it is to love unconditionally without judgement, how to love yourself even if you’re a victim of self hate…how to forgive the people you thought would stand by your side forever, but they didn’t. I thought I knew love, but I didn’t until I started loving myself; I didn’t even begin to start until I found her. She took my world and flipped it upside down…but I didn’t go down without a fight. I held on to things that shouldn’t have mattered to me. But, after a long battle of stubbornness, I gave in. People don’t agree with the lifestyle; but again no one was asking for your approval. We live the way we decide to without you saying “it’s okay to be gay”…because, quite frankly, we don’t care.
I choose not to be a hateful and unforgiving person.
The term “people-pleaser” comes to mind. Now, I am a pleaser (for the most part) because it’s in my nature. I will give anything and do just about anything for someone in need. I am now 23 years old, I may not have been through it all, but I have been through enough to know…not everything is worth fighting over. If I could choose to go through life without confrontation, I would without hesitation. Unfortunately, that’s not possible and it makes the peace keeping introvert inside me scream. Bottom line is, at the end of the day I’d rather be known as the person who wasn’t perfect and never claimed to be, than the person who acted holier than thou.
Like I said, I am still under construction, and loving every second of it! With all the temporary people weeding themselves out, making new permanent friends, and figuring out which friends became family along the way…it’s going to be one hell of a journey. But I couldn’t do it without them all.
So the final thought to this rant/personal story/motivational message: There’s a lot of stupid things in this world…try not to be one of them. Accept people for who they are or leave them alone. If you are the one going through change, no matter what it is, it may get worse before it gets better. Just be ready to enjoy the ride!
First Love Yourself;