We don’t notice change when our eyes are fixed on the thing that should change.
I have been waiting my whole life to be changed by an isolated incident. Perhaps a death or an encounter with someone who will end up being a great friend or love. Perhaps leaving the country or a specific job. Here’s the thing: people in my life have died- people I’ve shared secrets with as well as kisses and the warmest hugs and most sorrowful stories and hurtful words and memories that photographs couldn’t do justice and emotions that couldn’t be explained. Death has presented itself in my life.
I’ve got two of the most incredible humans as best friends. It’s been over a decade since we’ve met and they have managed to stick around despite my innumerable failures.
I’ve loved a boy and saw him become a man slowly but surely and I realised we were not what we thought we were for each other but then I met a person who understands me enough to want to try to understand the parts of me that are still vague. Someone I can laugh with.
I’ve left home, I’ve left the country and went back and left again.
I’ve worked in different places and met many different people and had relationships and lost a lot of them and wondered what is wrong with me.
I’ve been overweight and almost underweight and the weight I consider ideal and I have hated food and loved it while being fully dependent on it for emotional stability.
I have hated myself and spent months getting to know that enemy better and learned to love her instead but still I struggle to accept her.
I know all this.
But none of it has changed me.
All of it has.