Alternatives to GOP Debate Drinking Games

There’s gotta be a better way…

The Internet, in all her glorious benevolence, has graced us with the gift of drinking games for the GOP debate. Rules abound, capitalizing on candidates’ dull blades of cultural insensitivity and collective love for a time when America Was Great (exact dates in reference, TBD). The Internet has our best interests at stake. I know this to be true, because I’m a millennial.

But maybe, just this once, the Internet missed its mark? Instead of increasing the BAC of debate watchers in yuppie bars across the country, could the Internet have used its power for good?

HAHAHAHAHA.

No.

But there’s still time. There’s still an opportunity to amend a few of these drinking rules. There’s still time to sub out healthy alternatives that might…just actually…help to make America Great (Again). Or at least keep you all from the perils of intoxicated arrests and texting that Tinder date that never texted you back.

Drinking Game Amendments Worth Considering

1) Rolling Stone says to drink the first time that someone promises to “take America back.”

Amendment: Go ahead, take that drink. Now, turn to your neighbor on the right and ask, “Take back America from who?” Turn to your neighbor on the left and ask, “Take back America from who?” Only consider engaging in continued conversation with the person who responded, “from whom.”

2) Rolling Stone also says to drink every time you hear the words “the war on Christians.” Rolling Stone is funny.

Amendment: Don’t do this. Do three pushups for every mention of said war. Google “Christian wars” on your iPhone. Acknowledge that this discrepancy is confusing, and try your best to move past it.

3) If you follow the rules from DebateDrinking.com, you’ll have to pick a candidate and drink at every mention of a word from their drink-cue-list. If you pick Trump, you’re taking a sip for every time the mogul says “best” or “worst.”

Amendment: Clear a radius at the bar equal to your wingspan. This is your jumping jack arena. Do five jumping jacks for every “best” and ten for every “worst.” Be sure to wear your good sneakers…you’ll be jumping for a while.

Bonus Amendment: If you’re wearing a Fitbit, update the crowd on how many steps you’ve taken. Guilt them into performing similar levels of activity.

4) The writers at AlterNet want you to take a shot every time Chris Christie delivers a “macho one-liner.”

Amendment: Do not a take a shot. Seriously, don’t. If you would like to take a sip of your drink, do so. Follow that sip with a significant silence wherein you think critically about what it takes to be “macho” in the 21st century and question the value of perpetuating this construct of masculinity.

5) According to the game at ReverbPress, you’ll need to drink twice every time a candidate professes their love for Ronald Reagan.

Amendment: Drink only once. Stand up and perform a series of stretches to relieve the pain of spending all day sitting in a cubicle and capping off that long day by sitting in a bar. Tell the bartender how sitting is the new smoking. When he can’t relate because he stands all day to make $3/hour plus the shitty tip you’ll leave him at the end of the night, strike up a conversation about livable wage rates.

6) The Buzzfeed Machine tells viewers to eat a gummy bear soaked in vodka when Ted Cruz corrects “Washington lobbyists” to “Washington cartel.”

Amendment: Text your lobbyist friends who make more money than you do. Ask them to pay for your drinks. Consider asking them to also review and send around your resume. Reflect on the fact that you haven’t updated your resume in several years and your job isn’t that bad, you’re probably getting promoted the next time around, and honestly who even really has a retirement savings plan anyway. Go back to the original rule — eat 5 gummy bears soaked in vodka.

You’re an adult.

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