I Survived Another 10-day Silent Meditation Retreat
I just survived my second 10-day silent meditation retreat. Just like the first one, it was full of insights but this time I was able to go deeper and face some of my darkest fears and realities. Since my cancer diagnosis last year, I have experienced a flow of strong emotions, some of which I’ve dealt with, but some just went under the radar or were swept under the carpet. During this retreat, they all came out and I was forced to face them. But not just face them, the course taught me to simply observe them, without reacting to them.
The course is taught by the late S. N. Goenka, through a series of audio and video recordings. He teaches an ancient (2500 year-old) meditation technique called Vipassana, where you focus your entire attention on the sensations in your body in order to observe the truth within you objectively. Although the technique is of Buddhist origins, it is completely secular, pragmatic, and free of dogma or philosophy. It simply teaches you to observe universal truths within you by observing the sensations in your body.
Our thoughts and emotions result in sensations in the body, but we often miss them because they can be very subtle and our attention is usually focused on objects outside of ourselves. When we feel agitated or angry, for example, the speed of our breath and heart rate increases, but we often fail to notice these gross sensations. Our minds have a very subjective view of reality that is often clouded or distorted by past experiences. So by focusing our attention on the our bodily sensations, instead of our thoughts, we are able to see past that subjective lens and objectively see the truth within ourselves.
One of the truths we are taught to observe is universal law of impermanence, which governs everything in the physical universe, the animate and inanimate. Everything in the universe is in a constant state of flux, constantly changing, arising and passing away. Absolutely nothing is permanent. During the course, we are taught to understand this truth, not only at the intellectual level, but to understand it and feel it at the experiential level. This is achieved by observing the sensations in our body and training our mind to notice even the most subtle ones. However pleasant or unpleasant these sensations are, they all arise but eventually pass away.
The course teaches you that the root of our suffering lies in the craving and aversion of sensations. When we experience a pleasant sensation, we want more of it to the point where it becomes a craving. Just like an alcoholic is addicted to the sensation that alcohol gives him/her, and suffers when it is not there. Similarly, when we experience negative or unpleasant sensations, we develop aversion towards them and want to avoid them at all costs, also resulting in suffering. But pleasant and unpleasant sensations are just part of the vicissitudes of life. And in order to maintain a balanced mind, the course teaches you to simply observe them without reacting to them, with the understanding that they are impermanent and will eventually pass away. This is what Goenka refers to as “The Art of Living”.
As you observe the most subtle sensations in your body, emotions deep in your subconscious begin surfacing as sensations in your body. As the teacher puts it, it’s as if you are performing surgery on yourself and, as you cut deeper, deeply rooted emotions are bound to come up to the surface as one sensation or the other. The art is in being aware of these sensations and accepting the present moment exactly as it is, regardless of what we are feeling.
Overall, the course was physically, mentally, and emotionally more challenging than the first one. This time, I invited my friend, Amin Lakhani (aka The Dating Coach on Wheels), to take the course with me. He has a form of muscular dystrophy and requires assistance with his personal care and hygiene, so I offered to assist him through the course. Not only did I have less energy due to my condition, helping Amin meant having shorter breaks and less sleep which made it more physically demanding. To give you an idea, we were up at 4am every morning and meditated on and off until 9pm. However, helping my friend was a very humbling experience and gave me more appreciation for what he has to go through on a daily basis. It also required me to be more patient and compassionate, qualities that are encouraged in the course.
Emotionally, my experience this time was very intense. All of the emotions I have been experiencing during the past year since my diagnosis came up and I had to face them. Fear, anger, sadness, anxiety. They all manifested themselves as physical sensations. The hardest part was having to simply observe them without reacting to them. But having the understanding that they are impermanent made them weaker and, one by one, they all passed away. I am sure they will eventually come back to haunt me but now I am better prepared to deal with them without suppressing them or energizing them.
The biggest takeaway for me is being more at peace with my current reality, with the understanding that just like everything else, I am also impermanent. It is a universal law that applies to everything, not just me. I was also reminded that my time here is precious and that my true purpose is to love and serve. Regardless of what I do, this will be the underlying theme for the rest of my life.
I believe this retreat is an experience that everyone could benefit from and I strongly recommend it regardless of your faith or lack thereof. As I said, it is a difficult experience, not a relaxing getaway like my friend thought. Think of it as meditation bootcamp. But it is a precious opportunity to go deep within yourself and explore your own truth. Our worlds are filled with constant distractions and we never get such an opportunity to truly observe what is happening inside of us. I will definitely go back to do it again.
