It is always there, devouring your core; chipping away at the last vestiges of your soul. That shame, the one you know by name, but cannot utter aloud. It haunts you like a malevolent spirit, never giving any rest. It is an omnipresent shadow beneath your feet. At the mere thought of your shame your stomach curdles, your face flashes red-hot and there is little you can do to quench the flames.
Shame is cunning. It can wait for ages before it rears its ugly head; subconsciously forging your inner being with a mangled view of yourself and the world around you.
Shame is a maniacal artist begotten of darkness. Even when you think it is not there, it lurks like a creature drifting just below the surface of your very being. And should you dare to dip a toe into the waters of your soul — seeking forgiveness in a lake as cold as ice — its onslaught leaves you shattered and dazed and feeling as if you will never move again. Like an ember nestled deep within the ashes, shame needs but the slightest breath of air to burn the forest down around you.
There is no easy way to face down your shame; you must try and face it head-on despite the terror of your even glimpsing it within the light of day. While sometimes your attempts may succeed, there are many times your shame will remain, wringing your soul dry at the merest memory of its creation.
But battle it you must, if you wish to live freely again; without succumbing to the catalyst of self-loathing it spawns within your Id.
Throughout the decades I have both won and lost my battles with my secret shames. The losses still haunt my soul, but the victories release the pain of shames long past and free my spirt to grow anew — fiercely gaining back from my shame the crumbs of my soul that I had thought lost forever. It is these small victories that help me face another foe — my Depression — with more courage than I ever had before.
May we all find these small victories in our quests to become whole. May we all defy our fears in order to mend the chinks in our armor, so that said armor is a bit more impervious to the dragons we must slay.