The Kohinoor Quest

|Fiction|

They stare at the huge crystal Christmas tree at Citywalk. Stunned. Absolutely. Crystals. Diamonds. Wow. The four girls stand there in awe and amazement.

“Kya tum bhi wahi soch rahe ho, jo main soch rahi hun?” asks Medhal Pandey.

“Haan yaar…bohot der se idhar khade hain…washroom chalo ab!” says Sonal Pandey.

Both Annal and Sagar Pandey groan at that while Medhal gives Sonal a “kuchbhi??” look.

Five minutes later, in the washroom, after a quick photo session,

Annal speaks up “Aajkal Christmas treeon ki aukaat badh gayi hai yaar…heere moti lage hote hain…I wonder raat ko Santa kaise ghoomta hoga.. Lehenga Choli pehenke? Jisme Kohinoor diamond laga ho?!!!”

Medhal: “Exactly! Main bhi yahi soch rahi thi!”

Sagar : “ Tab toh Santa angrez hi hoga. Kohinoor toh un angrezon ki paas hi hai!”

Sonal turns emotional: “ Kya yaar….chor kahin ke… kaash us diamond ko yahin rehne dete.. afterall yeh hindustaan ki amaanat hai.”

Annal: “Haan yaar… independence toh mil gayi lekin chori kiya hua maal toh abhi bhi unhi ke paas hai! Aur hum? Humne bhi kya teer maar liye? Humne bhi maan liya ki Britain ko koi consolation prize milni chahiye. Toh lo tum safedi ki chamkaan, le lo yeh heera!”

Medhal: “Aur ab kya zamana hai yaar… India ke log bhool gaye hain ki Kohinoor sirf ek condom ke brand ka naam nahi hai. Huh.”

Sagar:” Humein kuch karna chahiye. Logon ko batana hoga. Logon ko jagana hoga.”

Sonal wakes up the maid in the washroom, who was trying desperately to take a nap at a corner.

“Jaago grahak jaago!”

Sagar: “Abe mera matlab woh nahi tha! Read in between the lines yaar. Humein is desh ko jagana hoga. Un angrezon ko batana hoga ki hum yeh zulm aur nahi sahenge.”

“ Nahi sahenge! Nahi sahenge!” chant Sonal, Annal and Medhal.

Sagar: “ Hum aur kurbaani nahi denge.”

“Nahi denge! Nahi denge!”

“ Hum Kohinoor wapas leke aayenge.”

“ Leke aayenge! Leke aayenge!”

Medhal: “ Ek second… KYA???”

Sagar: “Haan…hum England jaake leke aayenge… haq banta hai yaar! Atleast try toh kar sakte hain?”

Annal: “What an idea, madamji! Phir socho… Mangal Pandey ke sath sath hum bhi Indian history ka part ban jaayenge… We can start a revolution yaar. Socho….”

That’s when it struck us. A chance to see our photos beside the likes of Mangal Pandey. Movies on us. Cartoons on us. Songs on us.

“Annal! The bakwaas video editor!

Sonal! The idiotic dancer!

Sagar! The barbaad singer!

Medhal! The gande joke maker!

Pandey Girls save the day!

Tan tan tan tan tan

Fighting angrez, trying to get the diamond

Here they come just in time, The Pandey Puff Girls!

Pandey Puff.

Tan Tan Tan Taaaan.

“England! Here we come!”

— — — Outside the Buckhingham Palace — — -

“ Guard bhaiya… zara side ho jaao yaar…. Humein Elizabeth ji se kuch zaroori baat karni hai.”

The guards don’t even blink.

Sagar: “Shayad unko sunaai nahi diya yaar… bechaare… kaanon ke ilaaj ke liye bhi aajkal bade paise lagte hain…”

Medhal: “ Ghar wapas jaate time isko leke challenge, theek hai? Shayad Baba Ramdev kuchh kar dein? Chaloge na aap humaare saath, bhaiyya?”

The guards don’t blink.

Annal: “ Shayad woh bohot emotional ho gaye hain… control kar rahe honge… koi baat nahi bhaiyya… yeh humaare taraf se bhai dooj ki gift samajh lena. Aapko hum Baba Ramdev se zaroor milwayenge.. Ek behen ki kasam.”

With that, she pats one of the guards on the back.

The next thing they know, there are 4 rifles pointing at them.

Sonal: “ Ohhh.. kya baat hai! Yeh log yeh kehne ki koshish kar rahe hain ki woh humein apne behen maante hain aur humesha humaari raksha aise hi karte rahenge!”

Annal: “ Emotional kar diya yaar… yeh log itne bure bhi nahi hain.. yeh angrez..”

But no amount of persuasion made the guards open the gates for them to enter.

Back at the hotel at night, the four girls disappointed, go out for a walk. Suddenly they find that they have lost their way.

They find a board giving them directions: : ←CITY FOREST →

They think on it for a long time. Then,

Sonal: “ socho kaisa lagega jab bacche hindi ke chapter mein padhenge — Pandey Ladkiyan, ek baar haar kar bhi himmat nahi haare. Woh Britain ke ghane junglon ko cheer kar aage badhe.”

Medhal: “ Tum sahi kehti ho behen… Sab log aasaan raasta apnaate hain. Lekin hum… hum nahi.”

Sagar: “ Chalo aage badho!”

So they walked into the forest with a gusto. They brave the winds and the large trees. They overcome the fear of deadly animals. Until suddenly —

Annal: “ Yaar yeh saamne koi bada sa jaanwar lag raha hai…”

Sonal: “Mujhe toh England ke flag ki badi si sticker dikh rahi hai.”

Medhal: “Bade patriotic jaanwar hain yahan ke…. hmm… main ghar jaate hi apne pados ke doggiyon ke upar India map ke sticker laga dungi. Aakhir woh bhi toh humaare desh ke hissa hain.”

Sagar: “Nahi yaar mat kariyo. Jab Mandira Bedi ne Indian flag waali saari pehni thi, uske upar case kar diya tha. Bechaare dogs ko toh hang hi kar denge phir!”

Annal: “Yaar…yeh koi aeroplane hai..maybe an air crash…. shit.. terrorists toh nahi hain?”

Sonal : “ Chalo dekhte hain!”

They tread carefully towards the crashed aircraft. They see silhouettes of two people around the plane.

Medhal: “Arre! Yeh toh apna William hai!”

Sonal: “ William kaun?”

Sagar: “ Arre, Elizabeth ji ka pota?”

Sonal: “Bohot lamba hai yaar….isne Hagrid ka role toh nahi kiya tha Harry Potter mein?”

Annal: “Hmm…shayad…. lekin kamzor ho gaya hai bechaara… yaar isko bhi dilli le jaayenge. Desi ghee waale jalebi khilayenge toh wapas form mein aa jayega.”

Medhal: “ Arre bhaisaab…. Namaste!”

William: “ Excuse me… I’d like to know who you all are, first.”

The girls introduce themselves and suddenly they notice his left arm bleeding.

Sagar: “ You are bleeding yaar.. We’ll take you to AIIMS hospital.”

Sonal : “ Nahi yaar, udhar toh bohot waiting hoti hai.”

William: “Uhm…thank you girls. I really appreciate your concern. Actually it was a chartered flight. The pilot lost control and….we….somehow crashed…and we lost him… (sobs) thankfully the co-pilot’s alive. There he is. That’s Mr.Smith.”

Annal : “ Oh teri! Mr. Smith, will you please sign an autograph for us later?”

Sonal: “Kyun ? Kaun hai yeh?”

Annal whispers back to her: “ Arre…Angelina Jolie ki movie nahi thi Mr. And Mrs. Smith?!! Tohhhh….yeh hain Mr. Smith! Uff…picturein nahi dekhti tu?”

Mr. Smith looks a bit stunned while William groans in pain.

Sagar: “Oh…you are hurt. We forgot.”

William: “ Naah, not an issue. But could you do us a favour? There’s a first aid kit lying there… could you…”

Medhal: “Arre! No need ji! What first aid kit shit? We’ll tie our dupatta around your arm! That’s how it’s done!”

Annal: “Le! Yeh bhi picturein nahi dekhta! Kya hoga iss zamaane ka!”

They tie their bleeding arms with colourful dupattas as the Britons almost faint in shock.

Suddenly, there are sounds of a helicopter in the sky.

William: “I had arranged for an airlift, you see. Uhm…I…I’d like you all to come with us to the palace, as a token of appreciation for everything you’ve done for us.”

Delighted by the proposition, they agree instantly!

— — In the halls of the Buckingham Palace — — -

Sonal: “Kya banglaa hai!!! Arre woh Ekta Kapoor apne serials ki shooting idhar hi toh nahi karti?!!”

Medhal : “ Haan…aur yeh jo aurat aa rahi hai humaari taraf, shayad use Baa banati hai! Kya baat hai yaar, poori star cast hai kya idhar aaj?!! Bade saare autograph milenge!”

Annal and Sagar: “Arre…. yeh toh Elizabeth ji hain!”

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