The Trump Show — Humour Piece 2nd Draft
Donald Trump for World Bank president! Trump for United Nations General Assembly president! Trump for Flat Earth Society President! Fuck it! Trump for your kid’s tee-ball league president… He’ll make Johnny’s bat speed great again.
Donald is the quintessential figure of America; He eats eagles for breakfast and excretes 4th of July fireworks. Even his last name screams power and domination. Regardless of his raging entitled egoism, he’s just like the majority of Americans: knowing nothing about internal government affairs, foreign policy, or intelligible discussion. Finally, someone who relates to the people! Someone who’s for the people, whose generosity can’t be matched. Rumour is that all refugees created from his future wars will get discount coupons for his hotel chains, with their deceased families recieiving Trump-brand caskets. No previous POTUS will have ever provided such international hospitality.
Momma, there goes that man!
The perfect POTUS.
Hello, you there! wavering on greatness, ask yourself this: Could a sane, hard working, turkey-loving, god-fearing American citizen doubt a man with such vision, flare, and grandiose disregard for human rights? With hair so inspiring it distracts from the blatant hate speech? What integrity this man has in the face of these mislead humanists crying out for civil liberties. If you aren’t yet extending your right arm and straightened hand in the air while heil — (Ahem) *hailing, “Trump!” You’ve stumbled upon the right article. Hear me out for a minute.
Tune in closer to his spiel and understand that Trump is (as he puts it) “not financially restricted by corporations in creating his own political agenda” meaning, top corporations can’t trade campaign dollars for future favours. Colonization of the highest white-collar variety. Trump wants to make it clear that he tends to the needs of the American people, and not the CEO’s.
Yes, this this kind of leadership would be an enriching and progressive experience focused on healing the wounds of the justice system, classism, the environment, and our health. But — let’s be honest — this sounds completely BORING under anyone but Trump.
Trump doesn’t need corporations to coerce him into immoral profiteering and white-collar crime. He’s way ahead on that shit. All the while being extremely, extremely, loaded.
Before you take the final leap into Trump-hood, first abandon the idea of some benevolent and empathic “Philosopher-King” type; the saint whose agenda lies in perfect pluralism with everybody else’s. Instead, prepare for the college frat bro who plays the music too loud, hates Mexicans, and never cleans up. Come live in the frat-house full of hate-tweets and fearmongering, sure to arouse the nation from their patriotic hangovers, and prepare to party the night away once again.
The singularity is coming. The dawning of a new civilization is transcending our current intelligence, with Trump as the power source. Instead of a utopian future, drift along with us into this realm of fact-infused-fiction, with reality’s borderline less defined than Mexico’s, his Netflix worthy public appearances, and schoolyard bullying, rousing stadiums full of support. Don’t miss out, court-side seats for his deportations are selling fast! (Sponsored by Budweiser)
Do not resist the movement.
Don’t let your critical thinking skills and innate urge to jump from Trump tower at the thought of his presidency deter your vote.
Just say it with me: “Donald. Trump. For. President.”
Feel it in your bones. Even get it tattooed! Trump has your back — your bent-over American back — so why not reciprocate by putting an actual tattoo of his face on your back?! We’ll call it the ‘Trump Stamp’, or “Ink against ISIS”, or even, simply,“Freedom”. Who knows, maybe he’ll make them mandatory.
Keep your head, stay intelligent, stay focused. Don’t listen to celebrities like rapper Mac Miller denigrate the Trump name by calling him a racist and a disgrace — because what does rapper Mac Miller know about politics? Surely less than a reality TV star — right?
Don’t fret, the moment is close; the moment we’re all secretly craving. Where reality meets fantasy and our day-to-day social reality crosses the void into the biggest televised drama of the decade, enmeshing us with fictitious lives, ones where celebrities become leaders of the free world and sex-tapes make your net worth $85 million.
Finally, the stoner talk arousing questions like, “Dude, what if Donald Trump became President?” has materialised into truth. So come, forever smoke the joint of imperialism and embrace the fascist hallucination. Join team Trump, and the banality of everyday life will cease to exist as the cacophony of misogyny, bigotry, and xenophobia will circulate news media for years to come. Always blood, always a story, always some cream and anger in your coffee.
So sit back, enjoy the show, and in the words of Bruce Buffer: