A Peek into Our Unconscious Relationship Dynamics
“Oh, hey! Nice to meet you. I’m physically attracted to you so you very well might be the one. By which I mean the one to give me babies. Just to make sure that you’re the one, I’m going to hide the fact that I’m insecure and have major boundary issues, and instead play the game of seduction with you, in which I will present myself as cool, care-free, fun-loving, nurturing but not smothering, and just basically do more of any thing you positively respond to, and less of anything you negatively respond to. I mean I am all those great things, but there’s also this side I am so agonizingly ashamed of that I’m going to do everything in my power to prevent you from finding out about it. I couldn’t possibly love this part of myself, so obviously neither could you. It’s really best I don’t tell you upfront, because I want to put off your rejection for as long as humanly possible. You’ll only realize how broken I am once I’m sleeping at your house every night, keeping a toothbrush in your bathroom cabinet, and spend every moment with you either manipulating you into having sex with me, or criticizing you and your choices. I do all this because I TRULY LOVE YOU. LIKE SO MUCH IT HURTS. SO MUCH I WANT TO CUT YOU OPEN AND CRAWL INSIDE YOUR CHEST AND LIVE THERE….
“So, you wanna dance?”
“Hey, you’re hot! But I’m definitely not going to tell you that, lest you start to think you’re out of my league. I so want to believe you that you are this totally chill-ass chick, I mean mostly I just want to have sex with you, but I am willing to validate any mask you show me until then. Once you do finally fuck me, I will have lost a massive amount of respect for you and immediately I will get the sensation like I’m suffocating under the weight of your attention. It will feel just like when my Father left and my Mom dumped the weight of the world on me, asking me to be her son, her husband and her best friend… 24/7 for the last 15 years. Although I’m so out of touch with my emotions that I will completely fail to make this connection and instead see you as the problem. You’ll immediately sense that I’m pulling back, and since your only goal is to steal my heart and my sperm, you will mirror me and pull back too. This will cause me to see that you are perfect, and you do get me so I’ll continue to call you, invite you over, and generally allow for you to slowly infiltrate my life because I still feel guilty for not being the perfect husband my Mom wanted, and therefor I will try to be the perfect boyfriend to you…
“Yeah, let’s dance!”
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Is anyone else tired of playing out the same unconscious relationship dynamics? Please, just slow down people. It’s not that hard to see what you’re doing if you slow down. Like maybe stop having sex long enough for your body to realize this isn't the father of your babies.
What would the world be like if we were just upfront about our shadows? Sure the sting of rejection would be crushing at first, but it beats naming the puppy and then then having to take it back to the shelter cuz it pees on the floor.
Like seriously, can we just tell people on the first date about all the things that are fucked up about us? If the person runs away screaming then you just saved yourself soooo much time and energy, and you created space for someone who WILL love those aspects to come forward.
So tired of playing the game! Here it is my friends: I am totally insecure, I have an anxious attachment style. I tend to attract narcissists because I have poor boundaries and I am willing use my own happiness as a bargaining chip. I use sex to manipulate men because I desperately need their validation. I come from a home where my father is emotionally disconnected and my mother is smothering. I can feel my biological clock ticking, and am neurotically convinced that I am already infertile at the age of 26.
I openly admit these things, and am working on finding love and acceptance for these aspects of myself. I do not wish to transcend, change, fix, hide or conceal these aspect any longer. They are a part of who I am, and that’s ok.
I know when I feel safe enough in my relationship I will not have to resort to manipulation to get my needs met. I forgive myself for doing this in the past, and am working every day on getting to know myself better so I can discover my needs and desires and express them to those around me.
So how about you? Do you wanna dance?