Low dopamine days: a write off

When you have ADHD, there are certain days that are a complete write off. Not rest days or mental health days. These are days where you are itchy with restlessness but cannot do any task at all.

I hadn’t planned to write my next blog so soon, but today was one of those days and I wanted to write it down.

Today is the Queen’s funeral and as such an “extra” day. I’d normally have medication on a Monday but I had slept in and the meds are stimulants so while they relax my brain, they will stop me sleeping if I take them too late.

So I woke up excited for the extra day. I had a lie in and then I planned to read, do some work and relax.

My brain had different plans.

After sitting outside with a cup of tea and enjoying the sunshine, I started to feel the familiar itchiness of boredom and restlessness. Many ADHDers describe boredom as physically painful. The best way I can think of is that every muscle in your body has become some kind of wriggling entity all by itself each part of you wanting to move and do something but you don’t know what it is you want to do. And everything you can think of to do just isn’t “it”. It’s like a consuming itch that you just can’t reach but deep inside your body.

Ignoring the signs, I determinedly fetched my NPQSL reading (Senior Leadership qualification for any non teachers reading this) I need to do for Wednesday.

I tried to focus. I prepared my prettiest stationery. I tried to get comfortable. I moved my phone out of reach. But none of the words were going in. I’m not unable to understand the content: I have an honours degree in Russian language and English literature and an MEd. And yet, while my brain is like this the words become foreign. I become angry and frustrated that words and ideas I should understand just don’t make any sense to me. My brain is like fog.

I start to wriggle. I move from the chair to the floor. I move onto my front. I roll onto my back. Nothing is comfortable. Nothing helps the words go in. My husband looks on bemused as I spasm in frustration and end up lying with my head face down in the carpet groaning.

I sit up and try again. Seconds later I scream “I’m so bored”.

My husband, trying to read, looks pointedly at me. I move into a different room.

Ok I can do this.

Wait. I’ve been staring into space for the last 3 minutes. What was I reading? Oh I was half way through a sentence… what the hell was I writing?

I force it for a while, but after what feels like hours (probably only 15 minutes) I realise I’ve only read a few pages and I couldn’t tell you what was on them.

So I give up on my work. I know my brain well enough now to know that nothing productive will come of this mood.

I move around the house searching for something to do.

When I’m like this, my mood gets lower and lower. I reach for the chocolate. A bit of dopamine. I cry. I can’t understand why.

Everyone has days a little bit like this, but when you have ADHD, they’re pretty frequent. And what many may not understand is that this results in ADHDers having to work so much harder in the workplace to get things done. Because when these days hit (regularly) I can’t work. And it stacks up for me to have to cram into my “productive” days.

Before my diagnosis, I used to get so frustrated with myself. I knew I wasn’t lazy, and yet it was physically impossible for me to complete these tasks I needed to complete.

Usually I would then lie down in front of the television and watch something I’m not really paying attention to all day. But it’s not relaxing. Because my body is still itching to do something. And my brain isn’t switching off. And there’s the guilt of not doing the work or chores I know I should be doing. I cannot count how many days I have wasted this way — not being productive and not resting.

My husband made me a cup of tea, gave me a reassuring cuddle while I had a cry and left me to play Mario. I’ve let go of the work I planned to do. It’s ok if I don’t do it. It will be more stressful tomorrow when I’m trying to fit it in with everything else I have to do. But I can’t force something that won’t happen now.

I don’t have a happy ending solution to this blog entry. I’m still struggling with this one and I feel incredibly low today. Although writing this and articulating the feeling has already helped to calm me. I think the winner for this is self acceptance and learning that I can’t force something that’s not going to happen. And maybe getting up earlier to take my medication even on a weekend!

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