Any professional knows that feedback is critical to developing a skill/product/e.t.c and becoming successful. One of the most critical parts of product development is seeking feedback from your consumers, one of the most critical parts of developing a skill is getting assessed by a teacher, examples go on and on.

However, sometimes feedback makes us feel bad. We want to avoid reading it or seeking it, because reading how we messed up or failed hurts. And we all know that we should learn to swallow that, because getting past that is critical to growing.

Except that it’s not.

The thing about feedback that makes us feel bad is it’s always personal; it’s always about our person, as opposed to a product or service or skill we’re developing. It’s always about us.

When you get feedback on software you’re developing, do you go home and mope about how horrible your product is and therefore how horrible you are? Probably not. You fix that software and proudly show the better version to whoever reviewed it in the first place.

Feedback which can knock you off your feet for days is the kind about you. It’s when your boss sits you down and tells you about your shortcomings at work, or when your significant other tells you about what’s been damaging them.

It turns out, it’s not on them to not take your feedback personally, and vice versa. Whether or not you want to, you’re going to take personal feedback to heart.

The secret is to not make it personal.

I know I know, it seems pretty obvious. But that’s the difference between saying:

“It really hurts me when you do this,” and

“Doing this damages the relationship because of x, y, and z.”

It’s the difference between saying

“You bring up politics too much and it alienates clients,” and

“Some clients don’t appreciate having politics brought up.”

In both situations, the transgressor was not singled out. The person being given feedback was not criticized or judged, but simply made aware of a fact of the situation.

This way, the person being given feedback retained their personal judgement. Instead of just being told something was bad and that’s that, they were told that a certain action can be bad, and the judgement was left to them on whether or not to continue the action.

It also allows them to save face, and even if it’s just a one-on-one conversation, they don’t feel humiliated or singled out. They are allowed to retain their dignity and composure, even when presented with potentially really bad feedback.

Giving feedback this way will keep people on their feet, and give them a way to tackle the challenges they have ahead of them.