One and Done

I am the mother of one. I chose this. Many people don’t understand why a happily married couple would only have one child, by choice. Here’s why.

The decision making process started with the medical drama. I don’t really like to use that word for this, drama, but I haven’t found another word to take it’s place. A few short weeks after conception of my son, my husband endured a major back injury at work. He had his first invasive back surgery when I was 7 months pregnant with our son. When my son was born, he was born with a surprise cleft lip and soft palate. My son would need surgery at 3 months old and again at 10 months old. 4 months after my son’s first surgery, my husband would undergo a double spine fusion and leave him in a torso cast for 3 months. Basically, every few months one of them would be having surgery. I spent a lot of time at the hospital. After my son’s birth, we had appointments for him every few weeks, before and after surgeries. My husband was also in and out of the hospital, doctors, pain clinics and surgery centers. Once it was all over, I’d had enough. I needed a break from the hospitals.

Being a single parent is hard, I get that. I have never been categorized as a single parent, because I am not single. I am happily married and have been for the past 11 years. I was entering into parenthood and felt alone. I was taking care of my new born son and my incapacitated husband, all while holding a full time job. I had a daycare provider for my son outside my home for half of the week and I had in home care (a family member) for my husband and son for the other half of the week. Income was tight, very tight, so this is how I made it work. The in home care had a minimal cost, all she wanted was gas money and I wasn’t sending my child off to be raised by a stranger. I had to keep working, I had to make money to support my family. I had support from my husband in regards to our son, he participated when he could and helped me deal with the emotions involved with having an infant son with medical needs. I also had to deal with my husband’s mental instability, in which I had very little help. Aside from his physical restrictions, he was also very medicated. He took a cocktail of meds for pain, arthritis, inflammation, anxiety and a nerve blocker. Things were hard, to say the least.\

Once the medical drama had subsided, the financial difficulties kicked in. My employer switched me from full time to part time, but kept my insurance benefits. I was able to pick up a part time job working as a server. The situation seemed to work out really well. I was at home more. I could do things with my son during the day and work at night. We could go places during the week that would be very crowded on the weekends. I was happy with this situation…. then the restaurant closed down. I was devastated about this. Low and behold, I found another part time job in an office. I was making enough money to get by, but barely. Here’s the point where I would have wanted another child, but could not afford to have one. I always held out hope that my initial job, that made me part time, would bring me back full time. Unfortunately, that never happened. I was laid off from that job and picked up another part time job. Here I am in my early 30’s with a toddler, a husband who can’t work and two part time jobs. Something needed to change and I needed to make that happen. I began hunting for a real job instead of jumping around all these part time jobs and not having any level of security and no longer having health insurance benefits.

After my husbands 5 back surgeries, it was clear to me that he’d never be supporting this family again and I had to make it work, so I did. I got back out there and started marketing myself in the real estate industry because I had 10 years experience. It was just after the new year and I figured that this is the time when people hire, right? The holidays are over, businesses are done calculating the previous years financial statements, now is the time. I did a boat load of networking. I reached out to everyone I knew in the industry, then it happened, I talked with a friend that worked for a real estate professional whom I had always admired and respected and they offered me a job. My friend told me to keep my fingers crossed that the stars would align and I’d get the job. In early March, 2014, I got the job.

I have the job. The commute is long. The pay and benefits are great. My husband’s work comp case is over and he is managing his pain (without drugs); he’s now a stay at home parent for our son. I am gone almost 11 hours a day. That’s long time, but I am supporting my family, by myself. By the time I started this job and felt secure here, my son was already 4 1/2 years old. My husband and I decided we did not want kids that were 5+ years apart in age (it didn’t work out for him and his siblings). Plus, I could end up with two more! There are twins on my side and on my husbands side. I am sure getting twins would be a blessing to some people, but not for me. I never wanted to be outnumbered by kids. So there you have it. Next post will be about the benefits of having only one child, and it’s those reasons that I have no regrets.