Harrowingly survive a terribly tragic event. Play tug of war with your own demise and come out victorious. Watch yourself flat line on the heart monitor as if observing a sleeping tiger at the county zoo. Stare at yourself for a second, feel sorry for the lifeless person laying in front of you. Realize that body is yours.

Jump back inside.

Reclaim your bones, your skin, your muscles. Hate your body for not doing what you want it to. Love your body for fighting for you.

Smile as people give you flowers and say how glad they are that you are still here. Rely too heavily on the pain medication. Laugh half-heartedly when the doctors tell you that you should be dead for the third time this week. Thank them again.

Make jokes about the event. Let the laughter mask your fear. Feel it wash over you, cleansing the guilt you feel for being alive.

Cry when your mother cries. Cry when your sister cries. Realize you are crying and have no idea why. Wish you could rip your tear ducts out.

Smile.

Attempt to resume your life as it was before. Feel utterly inadequate. Do not know how to use your “second chance” well. Know that you must find a way to use it well.

Continue doing what you have always done. Feel guilty. Feel empty.

Cry.

Make a radical life change. Scare your mother. Fly across the world with only your passport and phone charger. Cut your hair and dye it ice blue. Sell everything you own and donate the money to the hospital that saved your life. Go bungee jumping. Ride a bull. Spend two weeks in the Alaskan wilderness with nothing but a backpack and pocket knife. Try to find yourself. Fail.

Feel empty. Think that you have nothing left to give to this life; you should have died the first time. Hate yourself for thinking that. Cry. Decide to return to the shambles of your old life. Watch your mother cry tears of joy as she hugs you for what feels like forever.

Curate your own corner of the world, as you have seen so many around you do. Build a new life for yourself that acknowledges your experiences and recognizes your fallible humanity. Still cry sometimes. Be okay with it.

Laugh.