Competing to be the victim — Who am I?

I have observed myself and several others around me that we always support those who are perceived as the underdogs.

Who is an underdog? People who are perceived to have disadvantages by birth, by color, by their physicality or due to their mentality. We feel bad for them, and because they make us feel powerful, we root for them. And since we ‘know’ that we root for the people perceived as victims, we often become them. This is just a way to feel accepted.

This behaviour, we know from birth, because it is when we cry that we get attention. We get food or we get carried around and everyone gives us a lot more attention than we deserve, because they feel uncomfortable around us. They feel guilty for not having paid attention to us. But when we are happy, people do pay some attention to us, but then they are free to focus on themselves, because all is well. Our crying topples the status-quo, it gets us exactly what we want.

So now we know why we all gravitate towards being victims — the easiest and the most effective way of getting attention. And what does the ego need most? — ATTENTION.

Some examples:

a. A teases B. C, D, E are around, but they are busy. The teasing continues for a while. B slaps A, unable to bear this anymore and A starts crying. C, D and E, stop B, and calm A down.

b. A has a wedding in a month. A shares a group with B — G. 1 and 2, A’s parents/god-parents are organizing it. Meanwhile B-H call A at different times during the month, to check on them and see if everything is going well. A never answers their call or texts. C, D and E don’t receive online wedding invites. B, F and G do. A day or two before the wedding, A sends a couple of texts in the group saying how much A will miss all of them, since they aren’t making it to A’s wedding. D loses it on A, and calls out their bluff in the group, saying that A never answered calls or sent an invite, so A can stop pretending to ‘miss’ them. B, F and G call D and tell D that they are wrong to point that out to A at this time, since A is crying.

c. A belongs to what is perceived as the ‘underpriviledged’ community. On a forum for art, A gets criticised for their art. A cries foul and says they are being targetted because of their community. Everyone is suddenly up in arms signing petitions to support A and denigrate the critic as the critic is perceived to be from a priviledged community. A starts conversations on what should “aesthetics” be and so on. Along side, B from a family of perceived ‘priviledge’ gets criticized for their art. B cries foul. Nobody listens.

I guess all these examples are slightly specific and equally generic, so that we can keep filling our own examples of a similar sort. It is we, as a society who encourage this victim mentality. So if we observe around us, there will be always someone crying about something. That is the ‘in’ thing to do, there is never enough room in the ‘victim’ space.

This kind of behaviour does extreme harm to our spirit, because we are depending on EXTERNAL validation instead of generating any strength within. And we who blindly take sides with who “seems” as the victim also do a lot of damage to our spirits, because we feel powerful and guilty at the same time when we support the victim. It just keeps the cycle of ego going.

To get out of this, it is of VITAL importance to recognize that:

a. We are extremely self-centred — Everything I do is about me, never about anyone else

b. We will go / take stand etc. when we feel “Valued”

c. We are our egos, because there is no I without the ego

d. We need attention.

So each time I feel like a victim, I ask myself, “AM I CRYING FOR ATTENTION OR DO I REALLY NEED HELP?”

The ego will immediately say that I NEED help and that I am not playing the victim. But there is a litmus test here, ANGER. That will reveal the truth.

Example: Even if I am physically ill, I can muster up the strength to help myself. But if I tried, and realized that I am too sick, then I should ask for help. And if I get ANGRY when someone refuses to help me, for any reason, THAT is when I know that I am playing the victim. If I didn’t see myself as a HELPLESS victim, I will look for other options and understand that how much ever someone likes me, sometimes they just might not be available when I need them.

We can only get past this if we strongly question our actions and know ‘truly’ why we are doing something.

This is also the reason we hold on to our pasts so vehemently, especially when it is a past of struggle or of ‘perceived’ struggle. I say perceived because any adjective or an abstract noun is a VRITTI — a wave of emotion or thoughts that cloud the CHITTA. If we didn’t perceive it as a struggle, we would let go of it very easily and move on.

What about history then, we ask? If we forget the past, won’t we repeat them? The answer is NO. The past is because of the ego, the future is created because of the ego — the only truth is “NOW”. If we ALL let go of the ‘ego’, we would be a supportive animal kingdom, we won’t need any memory of the past to behave.

Truth IS — was and will be do not matter.

So are we now ready to ask ourselves, when we read a story or watch a movie or are in a life situation:

a. Why am I taking this person’s / character’s side?

b. What is that making me feel?

c. Do I still want to take this person’s side?

Then what about persecutors? That’s the next game of our ego.