BREAKING NEWS

The Zombie Apocalypse is already here. Beware of BRAIN RUST.

Good Morning and Welcome to NewsToday 99. I am Suzie.

“Do you remember watching Danny Boyle’s 28 Days Later and saying, “Hey, this is so far-fetched.”?

“Well, think again!”

Scientists are saying that the Zombie Apocalypse has insidiously become a reality.

No, these zombies are not blood-thirsty, putrid, walking corpses but their brains are mush and the condition they suffer from is — BRAIN RUST.

Let’s speak to Dr. Frankenstein, the leading brain expert on this zombie situation:

“Hello Friends,

I do not want to alarm you but your loved one could be a zombie. Ok, I probably did scare you. *Ha Ha*

But seriously, over 80% of the population is zombified owing to brain rust and they don’t even know about it.

We have been studying this phenomenon for years now and were at the risk of catching it as well, but luckily it can be avoided. Let me help you identify the symptoms and causes.

Causes for this BRAIN RUST:

1) Do you know anyone who is working for too long in a place they do not like?

They are at risk!

2) Are there not enough challenges and no scope for innovation or new experiences in your life/workspace? Man, you are at risk!

3) Do you not exercise regularly? YOU ARE AT RISK!!!

You’d be surprised, your sweat is IN FACT the body’s tears of joy at feeling alive!

Are you scared! Are you checking your temperature right now? Well, let me tell you how you’ll know if you have brain rust.

Symptoms of BRAIN RUST:

1) Lethargy. Cannot drag yourself out of bed to go to work

2) Long and frequent black-outs. You are doing something but you have no recollection of what it was

3) Difficulty learning new things

4) Irritation and frustration

5) Social Media, Chetan Bhagat’s tweets, Big Boss, Roadies and long hours in front of the idiot box are the only things that interest you

No… no, do not call the medical helpline. You will be glad to know that my team of dedicated scientists have figured that this situation is not permanent. It can be reversed. Hallelujah.

Reversing BRAIN RUST starts with accepting you have it! Then,

1) Treat your brain like a sponge.

Babies in our study have never developed BRAIN RUST. Why?

Babies’ brains are like sponges. They absorb information all the time without any preconceived notions. They let experience teach them more every day.

What do we adults do? We stop learning as soon as we graduate (or sooner). ‘I know all that I need to know. I can earn money now. No more learning!’

Mind you! I am not talking about mugging up, I am talking about really learning and imbibing. Providing fertilizer for our brains to grow.

2) Do not be afraid of making mistakes.

Babies also have no problem with saying stupid things while learning. They are never afraid of being embarrassed.

We inhibit our brains by being afraid of doing new things and making mistakes.

Nothing invites brain rust more than FEAR.

3) Hate your comfort zone.

The comfort zone is where BRAIN RUST is most destructive. The comfort zone tricks your mind into believing your purpose in life is fulfilled. But what is purpose really? For the lucky few who do realize what their purpose is in this lifetime, do they just stop and reflect on how awesome they are? No, our goal should be to invent and then re-invent ourselves. Try to learn something new every day. Keep the brain alive till it is, well, alive.

4) Physical exercise is a MUST

People who exercised were 50% less likely to develop brain rust if factors listed above were favorable as well. Exercise releases dopamine in the brain and keeps your brain happy and fit. Be happy, stay happy and spread happy, soon brain rust will be a thing of the past.”

Wow! Dr. Frankenstein. I accept, I am definitely afflicted with this and am part of the 80% zombie population.”

“Good job Suzie! And everybody out there, before this phenomenon wipes out our brains, takes over our lives and becomes irreversible, wake up!

Brain Rust. Bye. Bye!”