I need to think, sometimes a lot. Sometimes it get’s too much that I can’t do anything else. Like right now, I just can’t stop thinking. All I want to do is find the right words to express what I’m feeling but it feels impossible, so I’m stuck. I’m stuck here in my miserable loop where I can’t leave until I figure all of it out. Until I can figure out what I’m feeling, what I’m thinking.
I’m just typing and deleting and typing again. I just want to know, what’s happening. There’s this strange feeling lurking too, like I want to do something. Do something about the way I feel, like I wish I could just change everything around and start all over again. Like get my life back on track, read. Oh, god I want to do nothing other than read at this point. It’s an addiction you know. I feel like I’d die if I don’t read.
I feel happy when I do, I feel complete. The part of me which is longing to find meaning gets something to feed itself. Life starts making a little bit more sense when you have some words to explain some parts of you.
I don’t know what I’m saying, I don’t expect you to understand, but talking is kind of selfish you know? You have to get the things in your head out, you want to let someone know what you’re not able to process by yourself, and sometimes saying it out helps you confront the thought you were too afraid to accept.