Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, my fellow Americans:

We are fifteen years into this new century and everything is pretty fucking great. America is the best country EVER!

December 1776, George Washington embarked across the Delaware River on a quest for freedom. December 2014, we won a war against North Korea by releasing “The Interview”, for which I have awarded both Mr. Franco and Mr. Rogen purple hearts for their noble service in the war against terrorism.

We have made leaps in scientific discovery this past year. The fantastic doctors of this prestigious nation have cured America of Ebola by changing news headlines to instead be about Ray Rice’s return to the NFL. That’s right America, yes we can!

Because video footage worked so well in that case, a new initiative to install cameras on police officers has completely fixed everything and I am happy to announce that racism is now over.

But America, we didn’t stop there. We are not a nation of half- assers! This year, we created millions of jobs for Americans. Jobs that pay just enough to assure three solid meals every week. Jobs that get us back into the business of building things right here in America…with cheap immigrant labor…the backbone of this great nation.

Yes, yes, America continues to make strides on every front. We recently friended Cuba, who only took 55 years to accept our friend request, probably because our only mutual friend was Cuba Gooding Jr.

The pay gap between men and women is smaller than ever, only 78 cents to the dollar, which if you really think about it is not that big of a deal because what is 22 cents going to get you anyway?

Now, we may still not agree on a woman’s right to choose about her own body, but surely we can all agree that it’s a good thing we have fewer MTV shows about teen pregnancies.

Overall, America’s future is looking up. By the end of my term, I vouch to get more college students access to a Netflix account, to give minorities better roles in Hollywood food courts, and to urge more companies to use the word ‘organic’ in their advertising, a feat that will solve our obesity problem once and for all.

It has been a blessing to serve you so far America, to have not one but two memes made about me, and I look forward to two more years to do what I believe is best for this nation.

A brighter future is ours to write.

Thank you, God bless you, and God bless America!

And now without further ado, here’s Tina and Amy!