I don’t really know what I’m doing.

Lately I’ve been stuck. I’m functioning at maybe 50% of my normal capacity. I have a hard time getting out of bed. I can’t get myself to go to my classes. It doesn’t help that they’re all really easy; why go if I’m not going to learn anything? I’m having a hard time getting myself to do any work. There are applications to fill out and cover letters to write, but my motivation is no where to be found.

I can’t keep going like this. I’m already behind. If I can’t pull myself together again, then I won’t be able to graduate as soon as possible. I don’t want to be stuck here any longer than I have to. It’s embarrassing to be graduating two years late. I don’t want to get any farther behind.

I’m frustrated with myself and this depression. I hate the way it makes me feel out of place in my own life. I feel like I don’t have enough time when most of my time is completely wasted. Wishing I could stop the passage of time is a useless sentiment. Even if I could, no amount of time would be enough for me to feel like I can catch up again.

I wish there was an easy fix to this. I hate muddling through each day making the same mistakes. I can’t seem the muster the effort to get myself to stick to what little I actually have to do. What discipline I had seems to have evaporated and I’m stuck being stuck.

I don’t want to be like this. As someone who has dealt with mental illness her whole life, I know and understand what’s happening, but knowing doesn’t make this any easier. I can’t express the breadth and depth of my frustration with this situation and myself. The fact that this has happened before doesn’t bring any sort of comfort. I didn’t really fix the problem last time; I more or less lost everything and then got lucky before getting a second chance.

There are no more second chances left for me. And I am so close to finishing that it’s almost intolerable to think that everything is falling apart again. I just want to go back to normal, at least until this semester finishes.

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