Motivation — it’s the topic that feels most on my mind at the moment.
Where do we get it from?
Why are some people SO motivated to work toward their goals?
Where does mine go, exactly, when it disappears?
(It’s not in my sock drawer — I looked there when I organised it, the last time I had an important job to get on with that I was avoiding.)
This morning I found myself busying myself on something around the house that was not related to a goal I’d set to make progress on an important aspect of my business.
I found myself down a familiar rabbit hole of self-criticism — “See, Meg, you’re just lazy.” Because of my self-compassion practice, I was able to head that thought off at the pass [checks to see what vintage country-western movies I’ve been watching to pull up that phrase] before it spiralled out of control, and I chose to have a better conversation with myself.
I heard about Internal Family Systems (IFS) on a podcast and instantly felt so drawn to learn more. IFS describes that there are different parts within us all, that are working to keep us safe, keep us from harm, or sometimes motivate or inspire us. It debunks the idea that we are just a single self and helps explain why we often feel so much internal turmoil, like we’re at battle with ourselves. You may recognise the feeling of having one foot on the gas and one foot on the brake. I can almost imagine the smell of burning rubber and the whine of the engine trying so hard but going nowhere!
In his book, No Bad Parts, Richard Schwartz describes various processes that you can then use to help understand how the parts are doing what they know how to do and for what reason.
Back to this morning. I’m not lazy. I’m definitely not the most hard-working, driven, conscientious, disciplined person in the world (if you’re reading this and you feel like you are that person, can you get in touch and let me know your secrets?). But I do know how to work hard when the motivation is clear for me, or when I get focused on something I love and that I can align to my purpose and values.
Telling myself I’m lazy is not just an unsupportive or de-motivating message, but it’s not even true.
What is true is that in that moment I was struggling to get started on something that felt hard and so I turned my attention elsewhere. My parts were each doing their thing — a part of me wanted to get started and focus, and a part of me didn’t.
In my case, the part that was distracting me from sitting down to focus was actually trying to protect me. Its goal was to keep me safe from a fear it had that I would write an email, send it out, and get no reply. Or worse that I would send an email that would result in total ridicule and banishment from my tribe, leaving me out on my own to fend for myself in this harsh, cruel world! (quite a far cry from the safety of my comfy living room splashed in early morning spring sunshine). That protective part was keeping me from the pain of rejection. When I could look at that part with tenderness and appreciation, and acknowledge that it’s trying really hard to do something it thinks is useful, then I could bring so much more kindness and compassion into this process of being stuck.
At this stage in the process, I connected to what’s important to me in life, and let the part of me that was worried know that I would be doing my best to take care of what’s important, and that I could trust whatever happened because I’m strong, capable, and resilient to deal with uncertainty.
And then I did a bit of stretching, drank a cup of coffee in the sunshine, and got on with writing the document that I’d been avoiding.
Next time a part of you wants to do something and a part of you doesn’t, please don’t beat yourself up for your inaction or stuckness. Whatever internal conversation is happening is about a goal for you to stay safe, well, and healthy. There are parts of you that just have different ideas about how to do that. Align on the destination, tell your scared, afraid, and worried part that you’ve got this, and get on with listening to the wise part of you that knows you can handle it.
