So, today my therapist pointed out that I talk about feelings as something I have to “manage.” That I need to control my own feelings and the feelings of some of the people around me. And that feelings are not suppose to be “managed” or “controlled,” they are suppose to be felt.
Wait, you want me to FEEL my feelings? That sounds terrible.
And it got me thinking about emotions. In general, women in our society are “allowed” and expected to show more emotion. But let’s be honest, they are only allowed to show CERTAIN emotions. We are not allowed to show rage, anger, frustration, tiredness, loneliness, apathy, and so many other emotions that are not viewed as “lady like.” How often have we stamped out our emotions because we knew they could get us in trouble? How often have we swallowed back anger in order to continue to play the “good girl?” How enraging it is to never get to be enraged. Sometimes, screaming into the void honestly sounds like a fantastic idea, because I just need to get it out.
Anyway, feelings are terrible and I don’t want to deal with mine. Because dealing with my feelings means dealing with everything that comes from them. And the understanding that anger is a secondary emotion and what I am really feeling is sadness and guilt and loneliness. And the anger I feel right now at the knowledge that my parents were unable to protect me from what happened to me as a child and at 32 that still impacts me every single day.