Actual timeline of events when Jesus was born

Megan Mitzel
Aug 25, 2017 · 2 min read

Mary started her morning off like usual with a cup of coffee (because, first, coffee, duh) wearing her “F*cking magical” unicorn shirt. Suddenly, she realized something did not feel right. She quickly Googled “it feels like I’m dying,” and read about possibilities on WebMD. Sure she had cancer, she called her friend Gabriel to come over.

Gabriel was such an angel, he showed up right away. Upon arrival he realized she was actually just going into labor. Since there was no suitcase pre-packed, and they were in the middle of nowhere, the nativity would just have to do.

At that point, Gabriel flew around desperately trying to get service to download VSCO, and to text his boy, Joseph, to let him know something dope af was happening rn.

Joseph, who only days earlier had begun breadcrumbing Mary, making vague promises to meet up for dinner at their home but then always having some reason to cancel, realized he should really be there.

He opened up Uber — but then remembered how they’d been in the news recently for mistreating the working class, and as a carpenter he cared about that sort of thing. Instead he got a Lyft, and said he’d give the driver five stars if he drove as quickly as possible.

Upon the successful birth of Jesus, Mary took a selfie with her new son, left arm extended above her head, holding the phone at a downwards angle, to let everyone know both her and her beautiful new son we’re doing well and had never been happier in their whole lives. Even though she was actually terrified and distraught because she just had a baby and had no idea how.

Once her photo was captured, Mary applied VSCO filters, until she found one that made Jesus’ skin glow, as though he was divine.

Gabriel then, kindly, flew out again to get service to post to Facebook and Twitter (using the hashtag #trulyblessed), so that the news was properly spread to the people who mattered the most — literally, the whole world.

Later, when three surprise men arrived, Mary was taken aback. Usually she’d expect someone to text before coming over! It turns out, they had called and left voicemails she never listened to. She decided not to worry about it, and let them in.

Then, she turned her attention to the three gifts they brought. Mary felt they were excessive, as she was a minimalist. Plus, gold was out, and rose gold was in. So, she placed them in the corner.

Nevertheless, she invited them to stay for brunch, Together they feasted on avocado toast, and bottomless mimosas, before it was time to go. “K biii” said Mary, waving as they took off.

After seeing the way Mary and Jesus joyously carried about their lives in a tiny nativity, the men, being so wise, spread the word far and wide about the happiness tiny houses could bring.

)
Megan Mitzel

Written by

Find me on Twitter at @megsterr