So we can all agree on wizardry but…

Megan Mitzel
Aug 25, 2017 · 3 min read

I don’t think Americans actually love baseball. I think they’re willing to pay any price to enjoy a hotdog, and have it be socially acceptable.

I went to school every single day, and Mary’s little lamb goes one time and becomes the cultural icon. What’s up with that?

People keep complaining our generation doesn’t know how to communicate and express ourselves effectively. And I’m just like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

When someone asks if you want to go swimming in a pool, they’re really saying: Should we pee now?

Things that are instantly better when warm: English muffins, coffee, hotdogs
Things that are instantly not better when warm: Pool water

It’s funny that the thing we all share in common right now is basically Harry Potter — our cultural lexicon, our guiding light, our endless reference point. Like wizards and magic we’re all 100% sold on, but women as engineers — nope, no way that could happen.

Meanwhile, the one job all men can agree women are suitable for is selling sea shells by the sea shore.

Anytime I’m insecure about my career, I just check to see how many emails I got overnight, and instantly feel better at how in-demand I am, with spammers.

Sometimes when I’m feeling a little lonely, I push my data usage limits, just to know someone cares. Can always count on AT&T with that prompt outreach.

Internet companies such as Amazon, Apple, and Alphabet are obsessed with their company name’s beginning with As, but that’s ironic because shouldn’t they have been the first to know that phonebooks would become obsolete?

There’s this really annoying lady who lives with me, and she keeps asking me to do things for her, and I’m just like lady, you’re not my mom. But, she literally is.

Netflix always asks me if I want to “continue watching” Parks & Recreation. You’d think with the smartest algorithms in the world they wouldn’t ask such dumb questions.

My Oma likes to mail me newspaper clippings with articles she thinks are relevant. So I print out my Tweets and mail them to her.

Airports are like amazing mini-villages with everything you could possibly need — great snacks, reading material, bathrooms, the people you love most — except for a comfortable place to sit and wait.

My Opa always used to exclaim“Go to war Mrs. Murphy!” all the time. So I finally decided to Google it the other day to figure out what it meant, and how that saying originated. Turns out the real saying is “Go to war Mrs. Agnes”, and was used by a local Baltimore sportscaster. So his entire life, my grandfather was sending the wrong lady off to war. Poor Mrs. Murphy was just trying to get dinner on the table for her family, and my Opa was continuously arming her with an AK47.

TSA needs a re-brand. After all, they’re just party people at heart: no shirt, no shoes, no problem!

Guys, this really keeps me up at night: What if the White House had been painted yellow?

I think we have it all wrong with this “do what you love thing”. Like our ancestors stood in assembly lines adding single parts to model T-s. Did they sit around at brunch saying things like, “I just love the connection I feel when I bring two separate pieces together.”

I wish Michelangelo was born now. Because he would have crushed it with Fiverr. Just think how many more apprentices he could have harnessed.

My Oma sent me an email last week that said “attached are pictures of your mom’s garden.” So I look, and it’s a picture of my mom in front of my childhood home with a sunflower. So I write back “Beautiful! Love Megan, Your granddaughter.” Because I can’t tell if she’s loosing it or if she just thinks context is super important for proper email etiquette.

My favorite vegetable is no vegetable. That’s not really a joke, so much as an expectation I want to set up front, before we get to know each other better.

I love that we now have “The Internet of Things”. This is genius branding. We’ve come full circle, guys: they’re just f*cking things.

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Megan Mitzel

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Find me on Twitter at @megsterr

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