Reconsidering My Love For Johnny Depp In The Face Of Amber Heard’s Bravery

I’ve been enthralled with Johnny Depp and his movies ever since I saw What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? when I was very young. I thought he was the most beautiful human specimen to have ever graced this world, and was absolutely floored by his range of zany and eccentric characters that he would play in all his films. Even his incessant fake British accent that seemed to be inspired by his time on the Pirates of the Carribean set charmed me, along with his perfectly imperfect teeth. I’ve seen every Johnny Depp movie, and used to cover my walls with pictures of the actor. I was a huge fan, you could say.

But since his wife Amber Heard made public accusations against him, showing her bruised and battered face post-assault, I’ve felt much differently. This should be obvious, of course. In the midst of these events, all Johnny Depp fans should be coming together in solidarity over the fact that their former hero is abusive and not someone worthy of their support. Instead, what I’m seeing is legions of Depp fans announcing their allegiance to the actor, expressing concern over the state of his reputation in the midst of Heard’s “false” or “exaggerated” accusations. I even see some blaming Heard’s bisexuality (which is seemingly synonymous with “promiscuity”) for Depp’s actions, justifying his violence with jealousy that can only be induced by his wife possibly sleeping with another woman. On an Australian morning television program, The Morning Show commentator Peter Ford even said this: “I probably shouldn’t say this, I’ll probably get in trouble, but…it’s not wise to marry a bisexual.”

Now before I delve into the obvious “Johnny Depp is awful because he abuses women” rant, let’s just let the fact that Amber Heard is being faulted for her assault because of her sexual identity sink in. How are we still having this narrow-minded and convoluted conversation about bisexuality? Being attracted to all genders does not imply promiscuity or cheating, not that it’s our place to judge Heard for either of these things. Even if Heard had been cheating on Depp, she is still the victim in the situation. There is never a justification for violence or abuse. Even if it comes from your (newly problematic) fave.

It was hard for me at first to reconcile what I know now to be the abusive Johnny Depp with the Johnny Depp I’ve seen in the movies since I was a kid. The Johnny Depp who I assumed was a good man, a good partner, and a good father (as he publicly supported Lily Rose Depp when she came out as bisexual this year).

But then I realized that my fave has been problematic all along. He was arrested multiple times in the 90s for violent behavior, a fact that has been resurfacing since his latest transgression. I also recalled that my mom’s former partner in the NYPD actually arrested him in ’94 for trashing The Mark Hotel in NYC while fighting with Kate Moss (his girlfriend at the time). He also has a history of substance abuse, as suggested in Amber Heard’s complaint against him. According to a TMZ report, “Amber claims Johnny was ‘barely ever sober’ during the 15 months they were married. She says he was perpetually high, except when he was shooting a movie, when he hired a chef and a trainer and got sober. Once the movie wrapped, it was back to drugs and alcohol.” And the resurfacing of texts from 2014 between Heard and a mutual friend reveal that this isn’t the first time Depp has assaulted his partner while under the influence.

But even with all of this overwhelming evidence, fans of the actor are still hesitating to accept his inexcusable transgressions. This baffles me as a (former) fan myself, as a compassionate human, and as a survivor. I don’t question the validity of Heard’s accusation, nor do I judge how she’s gone about publicly condemning him or gleefully smiling after having finally been granted a restraining order against her ex. Instead, I admire her for her bravery.

I was sexually abused by a man I had been dating briefly my sophomore year of college. At the time, I was confused about what had happened since my abuser tried continuing our relationship afterwards, as if nothing had happened (not until he made a few slut shaming remarks, though). I had heard stories of friends reporting assaults, which would result in either being laughed out of our campus’s security office or going through painful legal processes that ended without justice. For years, I told no one, my voice completely inaccessible for me to articulate what had happened that day. Every survivor around me had been silenced into submission, so who was I to be any different?

I never even tried pressing charges, since I figured the stress of the process and the inevitable disappointing outcome wouldn’t make it worth my while. My anxiety and post traumatic stress wouldn’t allow for that process to go smoothly, anyhow. I never named my abuser to anyone but my current partner. I’ve been healing quietly and privately, validating my experience more and more each day, as I put increasingly more distance between the wonderful now and the endlessly dark then. But because I never publicly condemned my abuser, I still feel disempowered. I feel as though somehow, he won.

Watching Heard express her abuse so publicly and unapolgetically made me beam with pride, and made my heart heavy for my own unresolved stuff. She’s chosen to make proactive changes in her life to distance herself from the continued abuse, while naming her abuser without shame. And she shouldn’t be ashamed. She should be proud to be so strong in the aftermath of her assault, in the face of intense scrutiny from the media, and to be taking concrete steps towards recovery so boldly. It’s Depp who should be ashamed. Depp, who batters women because he can’t find sobriety, is not deserving of our sympathy even if he suffers from alcoholism. And he doesn’t deserve our sympathy simply because we love his movies so much that we figure he’s not capable of violence, despite overwhelming proof that he has a history of abusing people. It’s because people keep making excuses for (male) abusers and blaming the (feminine) victim that people like me are afraid to speak up, afraid to name their victims out of fear of ridicule and further violence, afraid to even try to get their day in court. If you’re against Heard, you’re against me and every victim of abuse.

But still, I wondered if this news would deeply shift a devotion I had been practicing since childhood. In need of closure, and out of excitement for a movie I had been anticipating for months, I went to see Alice Through The Looking Glass during its opening weekend. As one can expect from anything involving Tim Burton or Mia Wasikowska, the movie was magical in a lot of ways. But I quickly discovered that Depp’s Mad Hatter character was the focal point of this installment, a fact that made me squirm (while any other day, that discovery would have made me jump and down with glee). Since Depp is a good actor, I found myself getting lost in the scenes he was featured in, seeing the Mad Hatter instead of a drunk and violent Depp. But the character’s trademark bipolar tendencies made me feel very uneasy while watching the sequel, as if glimmers and bits of the real Johnny, the Johnny that terrorizes his wife, were shining through his troubled character.

As much as some part of me hoped that the Depp I enjoyed so much would live on through his movies for me, I was proven wrong. I felt uneasy and disconnected in that nearly empty theater. I felt disgusting for buying a ticket and supporting this man any further. And througout the film, I couldn’t stop thinking of Amber Heard. What was she doing, how was she feeling right now?

The next day, I realized that the empty theater I watched Alice Through The Looking Glass in was indicative of the movie’s total flop at the box office that weekend. There’s been a lot of speculation that this could be because of the accusations against Depp, as Heard publicly accused him of abuse around the same time as the movie was released over a week ago. I felt endlessly proud that Heard spoke up, that she could exercise power over her abuser in a way that I never could, and that clearly there are many people out there who do believe her.

I know a lot of people have a hard time letting go of their heroes, and the picture perfect vision they formerly held of these people after discovering something ugly. But it’s our responsibility to help protect the vulnerable, and start making a habit out of believing women when they come forward about being abused. At the end of the day, at least for me, Amber Heard is a brave soul who I firmly believe in, and that inspired me to explore how I might gain further empowerment from my own abusive past. And while Depp’s movies and talent will always be magical in some region of my heart, he is yet another disappointing example of justified abuse and a system that continues to silence the victimized and vulnerable. And I, for one, am tired of being silent.