I think I have an identity crisis.
Growing up in a small town, it is almost as if the desire to leave, the yearn to thrive elsewhere, has been planted in half of us here while the other half learn the meaning of being content.
I, unfortunately, am far from content.
The main problem for me, however, is that I do not know what will get me to where I will find “happiness”. Following high school, I plan to leave (key word: plan) but I’m starting to think that maybe it isn’t about the place I’m going to which will make me happy, it’s about the girl I want to be. One day I want to don a chain of roses and drink tea, the next I’m the girl in the cafe writing cliche poetry and keeping my head down when a boy talks to me.
But it’s more than just which tumblr personality I want to embody. It’s as if I can’t decide which traits I want to pick up and stitch to myself, I can’t decide which one is actually me. Some days I want to remain unheard and stare at the ground while other days I claim to be an intersectional feminism who tweets about the struggle for women and the daily adventures she lives through. It seems as if I want to be everyone, I want to be everything, as if I was an eclecticism of a million personalities, a million themes, that strides through a million of different places. I cannot find my medium (haha get it, because the website is called medium..I laughed).
Instead, I’m compiled of fingernails that are bitten to shreds and eyes that stare into space for too long and a stomach that can’t eat more than one slice of pizza an hour and hands that shake when I’m sitting next to the boy I like and skin covered in burns and apparently, run-on sentences as well. It is almost as if I’m playing tag with varying book characters and trying to find which one I want to chase.
(On a side note, I think I might have found someone who makes me want to stay Mehek forever. But that’s for another time.)