2017: I Ate Lots of Hamburgers and I Hate Hamburgers

Source: http://jasonlau.tumblr.com/

Months ago, I burned out. I couldn’t stop crying for three weeks. I couldn’t function and ignore almost everyone. I came to the office with swollen eyes, didn’t wear makeup, and sometimes wore pajamas. I stopped eating veggies and doing exercises. I was a total mess.

It was getting worse when I couldn’t control my tears. I am a writer but, at that time, looking at keyboard hurts my feelings. I started to cry every time I write a sentence. I remember setting up an hour ad hoc meeting with my mentor where she ended up watching me crying. I couldn’t find the right word to describe my condition and how I felt. I just cried a lot and didn’t know how to stop.

I also remember when I came to my parents’ house and spent a whole day to cry and yell at my mom. She was so scared and texted my sister to come. She thought that I would kill myself.

On the next day, I came back to Jakarta with mixed feelings. I lost myself. I didn’t know who I am. So, I decided to pull myself out. I planned to be antisocial at some time…

Nope, it never happened. Some people invited me to dinners almost every day. The dinners always full of jokes and they forced me to laugh out loud. They even bought me junk food so I could learn how to get rid off of my toxic life. “You always have a choice to eat or not to eat that hamburger, but sometimes you really need to eat that sh*t.” And I ate the hamburger.

During that time, those people never treated me like a sick person. They even laugh at me, in front of my face, when they saw my swollen eyes; “Did you just woke up, Meiga?”. They said that I’m ugly without makeup and laughed again; “Did you forget to put some mascara? Again?”. I don’t know why but they always make me laugh.

On the other side, some people who said that they’ll help me going through all these things were mysteriously disappeared. “Are you okay, Meiga? You look so pale. You can come to me at any time. I’m really concerned about you. I really am.” Sorry, I have no time for your bullshit. My real friends bought me junk food, even canceled their family visit to accompany me walking nowhere or sitting in silence for hours in a random coffee shop. They showed their concerns without saying a thing. They just did.

People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will not forget how you made them feel. — Maya Angelou.

It’s warm inside my heart every time they invited me to dinner, bought me hamburger, threw stupid jokes about my looks, and forced me to laugh out loud.

I ate lots of hamburgers this year and I hate hamburgers. But like my friends said, “Sometimes you need to eat that sh*t.”

— 
30 December 2017
21:30 — Dear Best Friends, thank you for the endless laughter, the sarcastic jokes, and the hamburgers. Cheers!