Psychological abuse, bullying, and gaslighting in the workplace
A common story that’s too often untold
I want to share the story of a friend of mine. She’s not someone you’d expect to be a victim of psychological abuse at work. She was promoted early and often across her career, ultimately reaching a senior executive role at a young age. Her friends often praised her confidence; colleagues were impressed by how much respect she seemed to get from her notoriously difficult supervisor.
But that same supervisor gaslit her (and others) constantly, retaliated against her both privately and publicly when they disagreed, pit employees against one another, and took out his stress on her through what often amounted to hours of consecutive yelling about events beyond anyone’s control (hello Covid-19). Sometimes she was told by more tenured colleagues that, “at least he doesn’t throw things like he used to.”
In a pattern similar to that of many abusive romantic or familial relationships, she would confront him about his behavior — and how she always seemed to get the worst of it — and he’d often deny it…but still act markedly better for a few days or weeks until the next stressor hit. When she tried to avoid him, he’d tell her that he valued her opinion over everyone else’s and beg her to meet with him more often. The next day, he’d mock her views mercilessly, unrelentingly— sometimes for hours; sometimes, as she cried and he pretended not to notice. She might even get an apology an hour or day later, until the cycle began again.
Being a victim of these behaviors is not good for anyone, no matter your identity or background. Individuals in these situations doubt themselves and wonder if it’s their fault. They find themselves on high alert, ready to slip into “fight or flight” at any moment. There’s a cumulative impact that’s so much more than the sum of a lot of bad days. And for women, people of color, and others in marginalized communities, the abuse adds another layer of insidious challenges to mental health and lack of belongingness in professional settings.
The fact that women often end up in “caretaking” roles at work often complicates things further. My friend not only constantly grappled with the toxic treatment from her supervisor, but also had internalized a false belief that it was her responsibility to protect others from him whenever possible, even though she hadn’t put him in power.
In too many workplace cultures, the corporate mantra of “upward management” is one that can lead employees to absorb blame if they can’t stop toxicity above. “Difficult men” in particular often get a pass, as those around them scramble to mitigate the worst effects of their bad behavior, getting a high when they succeed and feeling guilty when they don’t.
In other types of more-commonly-discussed abusive relationships, experts say that victims may feel that they’re (otherwise) treated very well…making it easy to dismiss those terrible moments that often start smaller and infrequent, barely noticeable until they build in both magnitude and frequency. This was the case for my friend, who can also list countless times that this same supervisor genuinely appreciated her talents and actively supported her career.
Like many, she mistakenly thought of her job — and her dynamic with her supervisor — like a math problem or a pro/con ledger. As is also often the case with victims of other types of abuse, the lesson she says she learned the hard way is that some “cons” can’t be compensated for no matter the “pros.” And that initial warning signs shouldn’t be ignored.
October is National Bullying Prevention Month, and I hope that you’ll join me in taking a few minutes to get educated on the interrelated topics of workplace bullying, psychological abuse, and gaslighting. These things are more common than we think and have long-lasting effects on health and wellness, but can be hard to recognize and even harder to discuss. I’ve included a few links at the bottom of this blog.
My friend’s wake-up call came from an exchange with her therapist that helped her see the false choice(s) that had plagued her (and helped her ultimately decide to leave her job). She asked me to share an excerpt of what her therapist wrote, in the hope it might help others:
Maybe the question you need to consider is, where do I need to be in my professional development when it will no be longer tolerated to be spoken to this way? When will it no longer be tolerable for me to sit in a meeting and feel like my choices are to stand up to the bully, bend over for the bully, or stand up and defend others from the bully? How about, “I no longer work with bullies?”
Amen to that. Please share this with anyone who needs to read it.
For more on this topic, read my piece on institutional betrayal and systemic gaslighting.
To see/share the Instagram graphic version of this blog, click here.
Resources from around the web
These issues are typically swept under the rug, but chances are that you know more people than you realize (including at your own workplace) for whom what I discuss in this piece rings all too true. Please check out the following resources to better understand the issues.
- Harvard Business Review: How to intervene when a manager is gaslighting their employees
- Verywell Mind, What is emotional abuse?
- HealthyPlace, How to Spot Covert Abuse by a Boss
- Mental Health America: Workplace Bullying & Culture
- FairyGodboss: Psychological abuse at work is real — 5 signs it’s happening to you
- Healthline, How to identify and manage workplace bullying
Learn more about my work: https://www.melanieho.com
