I am SO Alone
Slowly Starting To Emerge From an Emotional, Mental and Physical Crisis
The past months of my life has been total chaos. My mother, who is now 91 years old, fell down a flight of stairs. She broke seven ribs, two of them twice. She also broke a disk in her spine … the doctors said that was the least of her problems.
Both of our lives changed in an instant.
The doctors told my brother and me that my mother wouldn’t last a month. It is now four months later and she is not only kicking, but making loud noises while she does so.
The first 30 days were spent in the Emergency Room and Trauma Care. NO outside phones or computers were allowed. I was there for at least six hours every day. The drive to and from the hospital took me another hour and a half. I was totally exhausted by the time I got home. Physically, emotionally and mentally drained. There were days I just came home and fell into bed. There were days the hospital phoned me at 3AM and asked me to come in again … and please hurry.
The next 45 days were spent in various wards as Mom was moved and shuffled around. I had to cut my visiting time in half because I just couldn’t handle it any more.
Where was my brother in all this? He came running and stayed for a week. Then returned home … over 1200 miles away involving gravel and dirt roads. Remote north.
At the beginning of month three, I was informed that Mom had to be moved out of the hospital into a long-term facility. I was given a list and told to visit the facilities I was interested in and decide on “our” top three. I spent two weeks and visited over a dozen homes.
I went into a deep well of depression.
If it were me I would choose NONE of them.
I made my selections based on distance, services and staff.
The nicest looking place (larger semi-private rooms) had the least amount of activities, volunteers and while the staff was very competent, they didn’t strike me as very friendly.
The worst looking and most crowed facility had minuscule cubicles (not private) but the staff was beyond amazing, and had smiles on their faces. They had volunteers who had been there for over twenty years, which speaks volumes. They had so many activities you’d have to clone yourself four times to keep up.
I gave the hospital my list of three. In the end THEY assigned her to a facility NOT on my list … and told me she could CHOOSE to stay there or continue to wait to be moved to one of the top three choices.
Two week later she was moved.
My depression plunged even further. Mom hated it. She called it a prison. She told me she had been warehoused while we all waited for her to die.
I went home and cried my heart out every day.
I agreed with her.
She has now semi-adjusted. The nursing staff is amazing and friendly and LOVING. They “make” her get dressed in the morning. They “make” her get out of bed and into a wheelchair. They have FUN helping her put on lipstick and eyebrow gunk.
They make sure she has her favorite food — ice cream.
But, I’ve been told she cries at night. Some of the staff go to her cubicle and hold her hand. There are nights I too am crying. NO ONE comes and holds my hand.
Mom presents a brave face to me. She says she’s determined to get well enough to come back home. She got me to buy her a set of three pound weights, which she is exercising with several times a day. Though she can’t stand for more than 30 seconds, there are days I think she will actually do it. The doctors continue to say “not likely.”
I have her power of attorney and really have NO idea what steps I should take next. There is a list of things to do, a yard long including selling her house (where I am now living). I am paralyzed by indecision.
MY health is suffering. I am diabetic and my blood sugars are soaring because of the stress and because I am stuffing myself with food. The food helps temporarily, but is never enough. I have to stop.
The future looks so dark and bleak for both of us.
There are days when I am optimistic and can manage to smile. But most of the time I live surrounded by darkness and despair. I hate the life she is living. I hate the life I am living. There doesn’t seem to be any options, I can’t go anywhere without abandoning her.
Before the accident, I was still doing some client work, working on three of my blogs and writing now and again on Medium.
I’ve had to say NO to any incoming client work because I don’t know what will happen three hours from now, let alone a day from now. I have two small long-time clients who have asked to continue with me. They know the circumstances and have told me that they will stick with me no matter what.
My biggest job right now is to dig myself out of this hole of blackness.
I need to take care of my health. I need to take care of myself. I need to find reasons to smile, maybe even a laugh.
Now that I no longer have a dozen clients you MAY see me on Medium and on my Blogs more often. Maybe not, I don’t know.
Who knows what the future will bring?
I believe in God, but NOT in any religious dogma. So no matter what religion YOU follow (or don’t) I will happily accept your prayers.
Thanks for listening.
Melanie Rockett has been a freelance writer for over 40 years. Over those years she has written dozens of books, thousands of articles, and hundreds of video scripts. She has also developed over 200 websites along with SEO services. Her clients have ranged anywhere from solo-entrepreneurs to Fortune 500 companies. She is now semi-retired and works exclusively with freelance writers and kindle authors.
Do YOU want to become a well-paid freelance writer, or sell more Kindle books? Get regular story updates and links to Melanie’s blog by joining the Freelance Writing Zone on Medium.
Every day I am grateful she is still alive:
I sometimes watch this twice a day. I get lost in the beauty and escape for a moment or two: