Thank for writing this. I am glad that you are in the place you are and are able to look at it from all sides, his, yours.
My brother took his own life in 2000. With a very small window into his feelings and thoughts for 2 days before, as he struggled and tried to hold himself together, and we tried to understand what was happening to him – it was as if he had gone crazy, he thought his wife was poisoning him, and trying to kill him, he was so paranoid and frightened.
He took his own life and his wife (widow) would not discuss it, she said everything was okay. Shut it down. So we don’t know how long things had been bad. If there was something we could have done to help him – to stop him doing what he did.
That’s the worse thing – that he was in hell and felt alone and scared and thought his way was the only way out.
That is hell