Things I’m tired of hearing as an adoptee
Here’s a quick story about me. I’m black, my mother Shannie is white. She adopted me as an infant in 1990 and I’ve known my entire life that I was adopted. I met my birth family in my early 2010 and we have a very close relationship. I am very open when it comes to talking about my adoption, but there are a few things as an adoptee that I am sick and TIRED of hearing from strangers or family “friends”.
- “Do you know how lucky you are? You could have ended up anywhere.”
So are you saying I could have ended up with someone not so well-off, or not have the same opportunities I have today? Maybe, maybe not. You don’t know what I’ve been through in this life that God gave me, so don’t make assumptions that everything was all fine and dandy.
2. “You should be so thankful/grateful.”
Thankful that my mom “saved” me? When you say that you imply that mom saved me from a horrible, terrible life. Yes, I am blessed to have a great mother, but I don’t owe her eternal gratitude just because she adopted me. Do you thank your parents just for the mere fact that they are your parents? It would be unusual if you did. I don’t owe anything. She chose to adopt me. She chose to be a parent (and she did a really good job at it too).
3. “Oh that’s Shannie’s adopted daughter.”
No. I am not her adopted daughter. I am her daughter. As much as her daughter as my sister that she gave birth to. Don’t diminish my relationship with the person who raised me. The person I’ve called ‘Mom’ my entire life. What exactly are you trying to accomplish by using that adjective? My mom loves and treats us exactly the same.
4. Do you know your real parents?
I wasn’t aware I had fake parents. I have two sets of parents. The people who adopted me, and the people who gave me life. Both are special to me. But when people me ask that, they suggest that the woman who raised me, put a roof over my head, put me through school, and dried my tears was just there for show. Nope, she’s my mom and she’s a real one.
5. I’m not against adoption, but I want my own children.
*Big eye roll* How many times do I have to say it? Biological or not, adoptees ARE their parent’s children.
6. You look like your mom (as in the person who adopted me).
You’d be surprised how many times I’ve heard that one. My mom and I just laugh. Our features are completely opposite. She’s 5’2, blue/green eyes, thin lips and is WHITE. I’m 5’6 with curly hair, brown eyes, big lips and black. Usually when someone tells me this, it’s after they have stared and my mom and me for a long time. The expression on their face shows me exactly what they’re thinking. My mom usually says “Yes, I’m her mother,” and I usually say, ” I’m adopted.” Then cue the awkward laugh and “Oh, well I can’t tell. You look just alike. You have the same nose.” Yeah….okay.
7. Were your birth parents on drugs?
What’s up with this misconception that most birth parents were on drugs or poor? No they were not. They were both young at the time, and couldn’t take care of two babies at the same time. They are now both people I look up to and are very successful in their careers and extremely respected in their community. End of story.
Hopefully this list opens your eyes to things that bother me and maybe other adoptees. I know a lot of the things said aren’t malicious, but it’s important to check yourself before opening your mouth when you are curious about adoptions. Ignorance is not an excuse.
