I could be wrong, but I believe sociopaths aren’t bothered by finding out they’re sociopaths, so the fact that it does pain you minimizes the likelihood of you being one.
I feel you and I dissociate also, but I don’t think it’s always a bad thing. I just have to be mindful of doing it to excess, andi t is the sort of thing you can flip and turn into a skill. It means you have imagination — it’s how you come up with all the horrors in your head in the first place. Bad novelists have made millions off of shittier ideas than you have, so put it to work.
If you have to, just word vomit when you’re checked out onto some paper (the physical sensation can be cathartic). Don’t show it to anyone else or burn it if you must but trust me — getting it out makes moving on actually plausible.
As for all the bullshit you’ve endured to get to this place, I get that. I had to have a therapist explain to me that the things that had happened that I’d seen were actual traumas with real weight. It’s mind blowing to think I didn’t consider them severe or important enough or that I believed I didn’t deserve to be fucked up from them. The amount of shame and guilt that would have spared me over the course of decades would have been helpful.
I don’t believe you can’t feel love or emotions because I’ve been numb like you more than once and come out of it. Somewhere you know this isn’t forever, and even if I’m not going to promise you it will get better, we both know it’ll get different. Take the meds if you need them, just understand you may have to try different ones to find those that work for you and if any of them make you suddenly feel worse or you start getting more serious about suicidal ideation, get help immediately. Don’t let anyone give you shit for taking them, either — you’re doing this to survive. You’ve been resilient this long. That you had to experience these things is terrible, but that you’ve survived them is also incredible.