About Us: Hendrick’s Gin
Our story goes back to olden times Scotland, in the year 999 a.d., when the name Hendrick was synonymous with quality ankle surgeons, podiatry, and the invention of the modern-day shoe lifts. For the next thousand years, every single member of the Hendrick family went into the foot business, whether they liked it or not.
That is, of course, until 1989, when Jamie Hendrick, the sole heir to the Hendrick shoe lifts fortune (approximately £40,000), decided to buck tradition and moved to Hollywood and pursued her dream career as a Disney character that roams around Disneyland. After fifteen auditions, three months of extreme vetting, and round after round of urine samples, Jamie was finally employed by Disney. Being unaware of the way Disney operates, she was informed shortly after her hiring that she would have to work her way up to a Disney character job. Unfortunately, this meant Jamie was going to have to start out as a character’s assistant, specifically the assistant to Dale, the happy-go-lucky chipmunk from “Chip N’ Dale: Rescue Rangers.” The insufferable actor who portrayed Dale demanded to remain in character at all times, which required Jamie to become fluent in chipmunk, which is not the barrel of laughs she thought it would be.
Eventually, Disney decided to cut costs and just hired real chipmunks, dressed them in human clothes, and gave them real pilot’s licenses and a fully functioning plane. Jamie quickly found herself out of a job and headed back to Scotland to pursue her dream there, opening a theme park of her own.
After cashing in her inheritance, Jamie purchased an old gin distillery and used the land as the location for her theme park, which she called Scotlandland, or Scolala-land for short. Scolala-land was so much more than Disneyland! It included:
- A thrice daily performance by the Bay City Rollers singing their popular hit, “Saturday Night.”
- Bagpipes World where the Bay City Rollers taught visitors how to play their other top hits on bagpipes.
- Unicorn World, where Craig Ferguson wore a rainbow wig, duct-taped a horn on his head, then pranced around a bog.
- A bog.
- A cafeteria that only served clapshot and shortbread so that children could really load up on their carbs.
Considering the theme park was located on an old distillery, Jamie decided to give it a try and hoped it would help attract adults to the theme park. At first, the gin was nothing special so Jamie left it unused. Then late one night, while the Bay City Rollers were supposed to be working their shift as security guards but instead fell asleep on the job, a gang of Scottish bandits entered the distillery and ran amok, throwing into the still any random objects that were stored on the floor.
When Jamie arrived to work the following morning, she found the still loaded to the brim with roses (which she had purchased in bulk to help alleviate the stench and spruce up the eyesore that is Bog World) and cucumbers (which Craig would strap to his forehead and use in his unicorn performance around the bog). Needing something to calm her nerves, Jamie took a swig of the rose- and cucumber-infused gin and was surprised to find that it tasted rather delicious. Soon thereafter, she began serving it in the cafeteria to the adults who needed a little something to make their trip to Scolala-land tolerable. It wasn’t long before people from all over began calling and requesting a bottle of the new gin and even requesting tours of the distillery. In a matter of weeks, Jamie’s gin and distillery tours were outweighing ticket sales to Scolala-land. Well, to be honest, ticket sales had been lagging for some time on account of two unfortunate events:
- We had to fire Craig Ferguson because his unicorn exhibit was giving children nightmares.
- We had to also fire the Bay City Rollers because they got a little too high on their horses and demanded the exorbitant fee of £200 each week plus lunch. Also, they lied to us and told us that they knew how to play the bagpipes but none of them did and the bagpipes is an instrument that you just can’t fake your way through.
So there was Jamie, left with the following question: “Do I keep Scolala-land open and bring joy and laughter to children while helping them learn more about the Scottish culture, or should I operate a gin distillery?”
Choosing the latter was the best decision Jamie ever made. Hendrick’s Gin is now more popular than ever, thanks to our fascinating group of British ambassadors to help spread the word of our unique Scottish gin. As for Jamie, she can still be found in Scolala-land, leading tours and occasionally recommending ankle surgery to inebriated adults.
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This “About Us” is fake. Hendrick’s Gin is a real beverage that looks delicious and I wish I had tried it before my stomach revolted and my doctor recommended I give up 90% of the food and drink that exists in the world. Have one for me!