About Us: Into The Gloss

Hi! And thank you so much for reading my “About Us” page! Just because this is the page where I go into detail about my humble beginnings, doesn’t mean I won’t include references to makeup, hair, and fake eyelashes that can, later on, double as a broom end replacement.

Life began for me in a small town, one of two children. Ever since I was 4 and saw the televised presentation of “Grease 2: I Think We Were All Hoping for Better,” I knew I wanted to be a performer.

Who wouldn’t love a guy who uses post-LASIK eye surgery glasses as renegade biker wear?

But with little extra income, my parents never could afford to take me to the big city, Butte, Montana, to go see musical theatre. Being an inventive child, I created my own theatrical productions, casting myself as the writer, director, lead actor, and head of crowd control. My plays were legendary in my neighborhood. My rendition of “Death of a Salesman,” about the trials and tribulations of a Toyota salesman during Toyota-thon, earned rave reviews from my sibling who watched from her playpen. My production of “Cats,” a light-hearted tale about two miniature pumas and their adventures on the Meow Mix cat show circuit, was a smash hit.

Miniature pumas will do anything to get their paws on Meow Mix Bistro Recipes.

When it was time to go to college, I decided to forego formal training and headed straight for New York City to begin my new life as a starving artist. To say that I was unprepared for the bright lights is an understatement. After what felt like 6 auditions, I decided I was going to need help in landing a legit Broadway role. After asking around for stellar recommendations, I finally hired Gary Starshippe to give me sound career advice. According to Gary, (the consultant that both Nathan Lane and Bernadette Peters have sued on multiple occasions in recent years):

  1. I can’t sing.

2. I can’t act.

3. I can’t dance, not even shuffle.

4. And most importantly, my appearance at auditions is off-putting.

How was I supposed to know that when auditioning for “A Streetcar Named Desire” it’s not advisable to clip a handheld mini fan to my shirt and aim it at my face to achieve that ‘wind-blown hair from riding a public streetcar’ look? And is it really so bad that I didn’t shower for 3 weeks and announced my arrival with a bullhorn for my audition for “Bring in ‘da Noise, Bring in ‘da Funk”?

Gary recommended I go to a large department store and every beauty supply store in Manhattan to buy products recommended by professionals that will actually enhance my overall wellbeing and physical appearance. These sessions with beauty advisors and sales reps provided me with a wealth of knowledge that I couldn’t wait to share with my theatre friends who were busy with actual work every day. Since keeping up with all my friends’ schedules is impossible, I decided to post all my beauty tips online on a blog I originally called The Amazing Technicolor World of My Fair Lady Named Annie, but according to Gary that was too long. The name Into The Gloss just came to me one night when I was doing the newest DIY hair gloss treatment that somehow left me temporarily bald but with a lovely berry colored stain on my scalp. Into The Gloss caught on not only in the theatre world, but everywhere else, too. And I’m so blessed that it did because, to this day, I have yet to land a successful audition. Suffice it to say, I’m suing Gary.

Apparently, yelling this at someone isn’t the proper way to begin legal proceedings.

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This “About Us” page is fake, but Into The Gloss is a real beauty website that I read regularly. I never in my entire life used to find beauty articles actually entertaining to read, but many of the ITG writers have a great sense of humor. Check them out!

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Melina Saint Thunderdome

Written by

Comedy writer and performer with arthritic insoles in her shoes and cramps in her legs.

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