Say My Name
EXT. BACKYARD — DAY
A memorial service is taking place in a large, private backyard. Dad and Mom, both middle age, are at the front speaking to the small crowd, with their three adult children — Peter, Paul, and Patty — sitting in the front row. There is a projection screen and projector at Mom and Dad’s side.
DAD: We’d like to start off by thanking everyone for coming to the service. Losing a child is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through as a parent.
MOM: Your support means the world to Daniel and me, and to our other children. Paul was beloved by all-
PAUL: (cuts off Mom) No, I’m Paul. Pearl is the one who died. But whatever, I can easily see how you’d mistake me for the dead body of twenty-six year old female. (rolls eyes)
MOM: Oh, sorry sweetheart. I always do that.
DAD: It wasn’t my idea to give them all names that start with the letter P.
MOM: It seemed like a cute idea before. Anyways. Our very talented Peter helped me make this lovely slideshow tribute-
PETER: (cuts off Mom) No, I didn’t. Paul helped you. (opens a bottle of whiskey and chugs it)
DAD: Don’t look at me. I wanted to name you either Charles or Bronson.
MOM: This first photo is of our little Pearl on her first day of kindergarten.
A picture on the projection screen shows a teenage boy at a birthday party with a cake in front of him that reads “Happy 16th Birthday Paul!”
PAUL: That’s me, not Pearl. (fake coughs loudly) I can’t wait, (fake coughs loudly) until you’re old, (fake coughs loudly) and feeble. (fake coughs loudly) And we pick out long term care for you.
DAD: Don’t look at me. I wanted to name you Jean Claude or Van Damme.
MOM: This next picture is of our darling Pearl scuba diving in Mexico.
A picture on the projection screen is of Patty who is very drunk and has a tattoo on her forehead that reads “I’m Patty.”
PATTY: What lengths do I have to go to for you to get my name right! (points to the tattoo that is still on her forehead) I’ve had this for three years!
DAD: Don’t look at me, I wanted to name you Jackie Stallone.
MOM: OK, then let’s hold off on the rest of the slideshow and skip ahead to the big finale. Everyone, if you would all look up into the sky for Patty’s-
PATTY: (cuts off Mom) Pearl’s!
MOM: Pearl’s spirit being lifted up into the heavens!
A small airplane flies overhead, releasing doves and pulling along a banner that reads, “We all wish you were still alive, Paul!”
PAUL: And I wish one of those doves would peck your eyes out. (feigns sincerity) Oh, I’m sorry. Did I say that out loud?
MOM: Fine, fine, I’m sorry! OK, I’m sorry that I can’t ever keep your names straight!
PETER: (drunk) Boo! Get off the stage! (throws bottle of whiskey at Mom)
MOM: But this is still your sister’s memorial service and you can just legally change your names if you want to.
PATTY: Then this tattoo would be even more useless than it is now!
PETER: (very drunk) I wanna be called Seabiscuit!
MOM: Continuing on, Pearl’s only wish- (looks around for approval) See! I can remember her name. Pearl’s only wish was to have her remains scattered in her favorite flowerbed. Daniel, can you please hand me her urn?
Dad brings out an urn that has an inscription that reads, “P___’s Ashes. May he or she rest in peace.”
PETER: I am Seabiscuit, hear me roar! (neighs like a wild horse, gallops into the projection screen, then passes out on the ground)
DAD: I actually really like the name Seabiscuit.