Snow White Is Not A Morning Person
(A clearing in a forest. A young woman lies in a glass and bejeweled casket that has not been buried. Seven dwarfs stand guard of the casket.)
Welcome! You must be a prince and Snow White’s true love. I’m Doc.
I’m Prince Barry of Downtown London, here to kiss my one true love in the hopes of waking her from her sleeping death.
You’re not kidding about that sleeping death part. She’s a real bitch if you try waking her up.
Excuse me, but did you just call Snow White a bitch?
(Rocking back and forth, twirling his beard and staring at the ground.)
Yeah. She’ll physically abuse you if you try to wake her up. Teeheehee.
(Buries face in his hands.)
Well, as scary as that sounds, I’ve come this far. Here goes.
(Kisses SNOW WHITE.)
(Slowly wakes up and is very angry and begins to yell.)
Aaaaaaaaaah! Who turned on the lights?!
Good, kind, beautiful Snow White, I am Prince Barry of Downtown London, just two blocks west of the Queen’s Expressway, and I’m here-
(Cuts off BARRY.)
Don’t you know that I am not a morning person! Get out!
(Takes BASHFUL by the arm and hurls him at BARRY.)
How dare you throw a helpless, bashful little dwarf at me! And might I remind you that you wanted to be woken up. Good day!
Sleeping death, back on!
(Takes bite of apple and falls asleep again.)
(Enters, blowing his own bugle.)
Here ye, here ye, here ye! I am Prince Larry, of Oxford University — Satellite Campus, here to break the spell cast upon Snow White!
(Directing LARRY toward the coffin.)
Here she is! Here’s our sweet little angel!
(Leans over and kisses Snow White.)
(Rubs eyes and slowly awakens. Is raging mad.)
I hate you! How dare you wake me up! Don’t you know that I prefer to wake up in my own time?!
(Grabs HAPPY by the arm and hurls him at LARRY.)
How would I know that?! All I know is that you asked to woken up. And that little happy chap was only trying to help you, and this is the thanks he and I get? Good day!
(Takes bite of apple.)
Sleeping death, back on!
I don’t understand, Doc.
It’s only waking up.
That’s no excuse to be-
Angry and mean.
Look at me!
I’m always on the verge of-
Sleep, and I’m never-
Sleepy, you’re right. I’m not sure how much more of this we can take. Shhh! Someone approaches!
(Enters, approaches DOC.)
Good afternoon, gentlemen, my name is Prince Gary of Stonehenge-On-Tiny-Tim, here to awaken Snow White from her sleeping death.
(Leans over and kisses SNOW WHITE.)
(Wakes up in a fit of anger.)
Aaaaaaargh! Give me just five more minutes!
(Grabs SLEEPY by the foot and hurls him at GARY.)
Whoa! There is no way I want to wake up to that every morning. Take your sleepy little male friend and go to hell!
(Grabs SLEEPY by the arm and hurls him back towards SNOW WHITE. Exits.)
Snow White, there is no reason for your bad attitude first thing as you wake up.
Yeah, I mean, you’re acting like a child.
You owe us an apology.
I wanted to let the wolves have at you, but these guys wouldn’t let me.
(Calmed down and fully awake.)
Goodness, did I really act that way? I’m so sorry! Please forgive me! I would be so lost without you! I won’t do it again.
Well, okay then. All is forgiven. Now how about you roll back those covers and get your day started.
(Stands up and stretches.)
Can I get a cup of coffee?
I drank it all.
What?! But I need my caffeine!
(Grabs GRUMPY by the arm and hurls him across the clearing.)