Snow White Is Not A Morning Person

(A clearing in a forest. A young woman lies in a glass and bejeweled casket that has not been buried. Seven dwarfs stand guard of the casket.)

DOC

Welcome! You must be a prince and Snow White’s true love. I’m Doc.

BARRY

(Approaches DOC.)

I’m Prince Barry of Downtown London, here to kiss my one true love in the hopes of waking her from her sleeping death.

GRUMPY

You’re not kidding about that sleeping death part. She’s a real bitch if you try waking her up.

BARRY

Excuse me, but did you just call Snow White a bitch?

BASHFUL

(Rocking back and forth, twirling his beard and staring at the ground.)

Yeah. She’ll physically abuse you if you try to wake her up. Teeheehee.

(Buries face in his hands.)

BARRY

Well, as scary as that sounds, I’ve come this far. Here goes.

(Kisses SNOW WHITE.)

SNOW WHITE

(Slowly wakes up and is very angry and begins to yell.)

Aaaaaaaaaah! Who turned on the lights?!

BARRY

Good, kind, beautiful Snow White, I am Prince Barry of Downtown London, just two blocks west of the Queen’s Expressway, and I’m here-

SNOW WHITE

(Cuts off BARRY.)

Don’t you know that I am not a morning person! Get out!

(Takes BASHFUL by the arm and hurls him at BARRY.)

BARRY

How dare you throw a helpless, bashful little dwarf at me! And might I remind you that you wanted to be woken up. Good day!

(Exits.)

SNOW WHITE

Sleeping death, back on!

(Takes bite of apple and falls asleep again.)

LARRY

(Enters, blowing his own bugle.)

Here ye, here ye, here ye! I am Prince Larry, of Oxford University — Satellite Campus, here to break the spell cast upon Snow White!

HAPPY

(Directing LARRY toward the coffin.)

Here she is! Here’s our sweet little angel!

LARRY

(Leans over and kisses Snow White.)

SNOW WHITE

(Rubs eyes and slowly awakens. Is raging mad.)

I hate you! How dare you wake me up! Don’t you know that I prefer to wake up in my own time?!

(Grabs HAPPY by the arm and hurls him at LARRY.)

LARRY

How would I know that?! All I know is that you asked to woken up. And that little happy chap was only trying to help you, and this is the thanks he and I get? Good day!

(Exits.)

SNOW WHITE

(Takes bite of apple.)

Sleeping death, back on!

(Falls asleep.)

SLEEPY

(To DOC.)

I don’t understand, Doc.

(Yawns.)

It’s only waking up.

(Yawns.)

That’s no excuse to be-

(Yawns.)

Angry and mean.

(Yawns.)

Look at me!

(Yawns.)

I’m always on the verge of-

(Yawns.)

Sleep, and I’m never-

(Yawns.)

Rude.

DOC

Sleepy, you’re right. I’m not sure how much more of this we can take. Shhh! Someone approaches!

GARY

(Enters, approaches DOC.)

Good afternoon, gentlemen, my name is Prince Gary of Stonehenge-On-Tiny-Tim, here to awaken Snow White from her sleeping death.

(Leans over and kisses SNOW WHITE.)

SNOW WHITE

(Wakes up in a fit of anger.)

Aaaaaaargh! Give me just five more minutes!

(Grabs SLEEPY by the foot and hurls him at GARY.)

GARY

Whoa! There is no way I want to wake up to that every morning. Take your sleepy little male friend and go to hell!

(Grabs SLEEPY by the arm and hurls him back towards SNOW WHITE. Exits.)

DOC

Snow White, there is no reason for your bad attitude first thing as you wake up.

SNEEZY

(Sneezes.)

Yeah, I mean, you’re acting like a child.

(Sneezes.)

You owe us an apology.

(Sneezes.)

GRUMPY

I wanted to let the wolves have at you, but these guys wouldn’t let me.

SNOW WHITE

(Calmed down and fully awake.)

Goodness, did I really act that way? I’m so sorry! Please forgive me! I would be so lost without you! I won’t do it again.

DOC

Well, okay then. All is forgiven. Now how about you roll back those covers and get your day started.

SNOW WHITE

Of course!

(Stands up and stretches.)

Can I get a cup of coffee?

GRUMPY

I drank it all.

SNOW WHITE

(Violently angry.)

What?! But I need my caffeine!

(Grabs GRUMPY by the arm and hurls him across the clearing.)

(BLACKOUT.)

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